The Little Loose Deuce

Post Four Five

2008-10-22T08:41:00.006-05:00

Hey there party people.

I know...where the heck have you been Karr Max? Well I've been here....just in a funk I guess. This is one hectic year. Job is busy, babies....well, that's enough isn't it?

Oh the babies....they are doing very well. They're healthy and they smile and make noise and love to bounce...I'd say for having no skills whatsoever, no money, no control of their own bodily functions, they're pretty happy, BUT....they are so darned cranky....I mean, I get it, they are unable to speak, crawl, walk, eat solid food, drink wine...this all has to be very unsettling. If they are anything like me, which, from the looks of things, at least ONE of them is, then I'd say I'd be pretty PEE-OH'd myself. I mean, if you can't get up, grab a bite, have a drink, walk away, or even crawl away, then anything that bugs you you'd just have to deal with, and for someone with absolutely no patience whatsoever, like yours truly, then I'd just have to resort to yelling and screaming and crying, which is what the girls do (I think I actually do that now....hmmmmm) So it makes sense, at least, but it's hard on the Mom Unit...and when things are hard on the Mom Unit, then things get hard on the Dad Unit, and when things get hard on the Mom Unit, the Dad Unit gets mad.

So....its obvious that these girls MUST PAY!

Look how cute those devils are. They're lucky they're cute, I mean, if they were ugly babies, then I'd be inclined to be extremely upset with their poor behavior of late. But jeez....how can you be mad at that? Well, I mean, for a long time....

We've had some interesting developments over the last few weeks. You know, we took the girls down to San Antonio (HUGE mistake) and Maddie ended up with this Turbo Diaper Rash from all the bad poos she was having....well, Dr. HarperValleyPTA (our pediatrician who was also Kelli's pediatrician (you know Kelli's only 16, right?)) ordered a Poo Test to make sure Maddie didn't have something bad...well, she passed the test...her poo tested positive for SALMONELLA POISONING. Yes, she caught a salmonella. I don't know how, because she doesn't even eat salmon (ba dump buh!). So that was a shock....this is a very bad thing for babies, but evidently Maddie is such a TOTAL BAD ARSE that she totally defeated the Salmonella. The doc said that babies with Salmonella typically go to the hospital. Not Maddie...the kid is the Titanic! Strong as a bull. We think she may have gotten it from sitting in those nasty high chairs they had in the restaurants in San Antonio. I dunno....but last week K-Pud got a call from the County Health Department about it. They gave Kelli the 3rd degree...asking her all these questions (No we don't feed her very much poop. Yes she gets a bath once a month.) But Kelli did mention that we took them to the Riverwalk and the lady asked if we let the girls swim in the River. (!!!) Well of course we did ding-dong...everyone swims at the Riverwalk (talk about NASTY....can you imagine?) I wouldn't even touch a boat that had been in that nasty water.

So....we've been poisoned. But you know, people, you can bury us in dirty diapers, you can deprive us of sex, I mean, sleep, you can make us gain weight and lose it (Kelli) or keep it (me), you can make us live in a skunk-infested dirt farm, you can send us hospital bills that would hairlip Donald Trump, you can make us change jobs, move into a new house, you can turn my hair grey, and you can FRIGGIN' POISON US, but you can't keep the Karr's down man....you can't keep us down. Because we get knocked down, then we get up again, y'ain't never gonna keep us down....(sorry for putting that song in your noggin). So you can try all you want...but you can't touch us (at least that's what I tell myself...every day).

Here's a pic of our extreme fightin' machine...

Bring on the PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So....what's up with you? Cool weather is on the way. I'm looking forward to that. You know, we got hosed on our vacation plans this year, well so far this year, and I'm thinking we need to at least take a ski trip up to Telluride. We went with the Beans a few years ago and it was fun. I think this time we'll fly...that drive was not comfortable...

Gotta run...I'll get better about the updates. Check back soon for more.....gotta get to work.

Adios.

Post 44 - Posted Sept 23 (not the 7th)

2008-09-07T09:59:00.008-05:00

Hola Amoebas!

Just wanted to update you all on our Caribbean vacation. Here is the only picture I have.

You see....that's Hurricane Hanna (remember her?). Yes, our trip was cancelled. It was a bummer but probably a blessing in disguise because if we had gone ahead to Turks and Caicos, our destination, then we would have had to deal with Hurricane Ike as we left the week after Hanna.

It was a huge tra-la, indeed, but we purchased the trip insurance and will get all our money back less the $300 we paid in insurance....so all's not lost. I remember the night before we were supposed to leave I called the hotel we were supposed to be staying at and the front desk clerk, true to form, noted that the 50MPH winds weren't really that bad and that they'd get an update on the flooding on the island as soon as the power came back on at the hotel. :) Nice. Glad we missed it.

So, last weekend we decided we really needed to get away and decided to stay in one of the hotels my company owns on the Riverwalk. We drove on down to beautiful San Antonio and decided to take the "backroads" down....you know, it's our 10 days of autumn here in Texas and we thought it'd be a cool breezy drive through the Hill Country. Well, what I had imagined versus reality were a bit different. How's that? Well, you see, we have these two monkeys we drag with us wherever we go and they decided, about hour 2 of the 6 hour trip, that they had had ENOUGH of sitting in the car seats. Hey, I can't blame them. Sitting bassackwards in a bumpy Chevy Tahoe has gotta be a tad uncomfortable. So what better way to make Mom and Dad aware of your general displeasure than by crying and crying and crying, with a little poop-in-the-pants to spice it up?

Oh they really weren't that bad, but the trip took a little longer than we had imagined, and by the time we actually arrived in San Antonio, well, we were tired little puppies to say the least.

We did stop at a little town called Evant, Texas, and had a little Texas rest stop. Here are some pics from the road.

Here Boo decided she was going to drive the rest of the way, although I'm not sure she'd completely thought through the whole accelerator pedal problem and her 13" legs.

Here Maddie's decided that she can no longer wait for a bottle and has decided to eat her diaper. What a recycler! She's so green. (Yes, that's a quarter-pounder diaper my friends!)

So we had a great time in San Antonio...it was rather exhausting but no one fell in the river or actually expired during the trip so, by our count, it was a pretty good trip. The highlight of the trip for me was buying the girls Mexican dresses, renting a donkey,and taking pictures of the girls on donkeys with rifles in front of the Alamo. Well, we didn't really do that, but man I swear that would have been great! Maybe next year....when we decide on a place to go next year, we will have to Remember the Alamo.

Here they are in their Mexican dresses.....oh they are so cute.

So how's everything going with you? We're doing good....the girls are teething which is a joy, as those with kids can only know. Last week Boo poo'd so much from her teething that she got this super-bionic diaper rash that required doctor-prescribed ointment.

Which leads me to....why the heck don't they just sell this stuff over-the-counter? Is this ointment so powerful that it's not safe in the hands of the general public? If it were readily available to everyone without a prescription would we become lesser people or something? Is all the stuff that you can buy over-the-counter just ok enough that it MIGHT heal us, or to keep us in pain such that we just HAVE to call the doctor, incur a fee, so we can get this stuff?

I mean, I know, I'm not a rocket scientist but if they can sell SUPER GLUE over-the-counter, then why can't they sell diaper rash ointment the same way? I've never heard of anyone going to the hospital because they smeared diaper rash ointment on their privates or glued their fingers together with it (yes, I've done this (the finger gluing, smart-guy)). I mean, they sell GASOLINE without a prescription, and SUPER GLUE, and all other kinds of nasty stuff, but WHOA MAN....watch out....that's a tube of Mystatin Diaper Rash Ointment in your hands....I hope you're wearing a helmet and some eye protection. That's like holding a grenade! If that blows up on you, well, you may get rid of that rash, so BE CAREFUL!

Jeez....what's the deal with all these stupid rules?

Here's another stupid rule K-Petz and I talked about on the way to SA. (We talk a lot about rules because I don't particularly enjoy following rules and she thinks I should follow them....more on that in a sec). Here's a stupid rule....why do I have to wear a seat belt in my big car yet motorcycle riders don't have to wear helmets? They don't even wear seat belts....hell they don't even have a dress code (which for some folks might be a good idea). By the way, I strongly advocate wearing seat belts because, well, I'm trained as an engineer and I understand a concept called inertia, in that, once your car stops abruptly, the things inside it tend to keep going, such as, your head into the windshield, and a seat belt will keep your head from smashing into stuff (at least from the inside out).

Oh well....rules are meant to be broken...is what I say.

So, back to the update....

The girls are doing well. They will be crawling soon and I'm sure our house will turn into some sort of corral for wayward ponies looking thing, with gates and fences and all kinds of weird devices so babies can't stick their fingers in light sockets, etc. By the way, as a kid I don't think we had socket protector things and I never stuck my finger in light socket, mainly because THE SOCKET SLOTS ARE TOO SMALL FOR YOU TO GET YOUR FINGERS IN! I can tell that even without using a tape measure. But I know, you get cowed into buying all this plastic crap to stick all over your house and if you don't have it, well, everyone thinks you're too stupid or too poor or too careless to care about THE CHILDREN! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN!?

Personally I say it's ok for kids to experience life in its raw form, with sharp edges and hot things so they know not to jack with those things. Hey, the big silver thing with the pots and pans is scary because it's hot...maybe I should stay away from it....plus Daddy yells at me when I get near it :) This weekend Maddie took a header right into the corner of a metal edged tile-covered table. You know , the kind of corner where you'd look at it and think "Man that would hurt like H-E-double hockey sticks if someone smashed their very small forehead into it..." Well, we did that, and it was actually not that bad. Maddie screamed and everyone in the restaurant careened their heads over to look at us, but, hey, she was fine after about 5 minutes, and now has this sporty new red racing stripe on here forehead. It's very tricked out. I don't think she smashed her head into anything after that...at least the front of her head that is.

Oh well...better close. Hope you have a super day. Check out our sweet videos. We're on YouTube!

Post 43

2008-08-25T17:58:00.004-05:00

Hola amigos.

What's up with you?

Not much at the House of Deuce. We are preparing for our vacation to UNNAMED CARIBBEAN ISLAND LOCATION and we're all getting excited. Boo and Maddie are really looking forward to going to a foreign territory and throwing up there. I can't blame them....they've thrown up on everything we have here, and they must be bored out of their throw-up litle minds. I'm excited for them too. I can't wait to see them throw up somewhere besides on me, the floor, Kelli, Grandma, or the couch. To think we opted out of leaving the living room floor all concrete and installing floor drains....dumb move on my part. I really think we could've dressed up a hose bibb in the living room.

We've all been sick this past week, and it's been tough. Kelli brought back some cooties from her trip to Sin City (insert awkward sex joke here) and decided to share them with the rest of Team Karr Max. So what that means is that little baby noses are full of snot and other nasty stuff to mix in with the disgusting drool/formula/other weird baby food shiny glossy beard that the girls sport all day, and is slowly sponged up by their cute little bibs they wear all day. Paints a picture doesn't it?

Oh well...poor little devils don't feel good, can't sleep because they can't breathe, and no one else can sleep because they can't, and we're all sick. I'm telling you, Mother Nature is a b*tch.

Once I felt it coming on....you know, the burning eyes, the aches....I started eating those zinc lozenges which, I must say, WORK, and you can tell they work because they taste like dogpoo. Well, I've never tasted it to know, but I can imagine they taste pretty similar.

Why can't they invent medicine that tastes good, or even has no taste at all? I mean, that's three options right there....tastes good, tastes like crap, or has no taste, and the medicine people consistently choose "tastes like crap" every time. I don't understand that. Do they do it so we won't walk around chowing down on medicine? I mean, they should actually WANT that to happen so they'd make more money. Wouldn't it be cool that if you got sick, you had to eat M&M's all day? "Oh crud, I'm sick, I better go to Sam's and buy the giant M&M's bag and get to it". That would be awesome. That's why it will never happen. They should make medicine that tastes like M&M's. Stupid medicine people.

SO, I think we're all starting to feel better today though. K-Dog went to the doctor today to get her meds, and because I ate the horrible zinc, my cold didn't last too long (plus I'm strong as a bull) and the girls are on some sort of medicine so I think we're all good. As long as the girls' Eustachian tubes are clear by flight time, I think we'll be fine (look it up).

So, better close for now...I know I promise to write more but I never do so...Maybe I'll stop promising and start delivering.

I hope you enjoy the picture below. (Yep, and we only THOUGHT we lost the label maker when we moved....IT'S BACK!).

Adios...

2008-08-08T08:35:00.002-05:00

Post 42

Hey there!

Just wanted to give everyone a quick update as to the goings-on in Deuce Land. Everything is going pretty well. The girls are doing great and are just happy little monkeys.

Kelli is doing great, and got a new haircut yesterday. She is such a super-fox as I'm sure'd you'd agree.

I'm a lucky dude.

I'm busy with work and starting numerous projects here in the metroplex and Austin...it's tough getting debt for deals but not impossible. We're swamped and getting busier every day.

We're excited because in a few weeks we'll be taking a weeklong vacation to "a gentle beachy location" and I'm readying myself by going on a margarita fast until we get there. Should be fun. I'm also planning on being ripped for the vacation, so I've been doing some push-ups and toe-touches. Even jumping jacks. I know, I'm an animal. I hope I'm not mistaken for a lifeguard and I have to save someone...that would be embarrassing.

I've included some pics in a strip below of the girls. They are too cute. Right now the girls are really honing their numerous talents....Maddie is working on her frog-jump, where she leaps into the air out of her chair, bouncy, DJ-booth, etc....which is a lot of fun for Kelli and probably doesn't help Maddie's puke machine too much. Man that girl can throw up. She's like a sorority girl she pukes so much.

Boo Boo has lately been practicing her singing technique, which consists of laying in a chair like a lump of junk and squealing at the top of her lungs. She's not quite ready for American Idol yet, unless they start allowing car alarms or fire alarms into the competition...then she'd have a good shot. It's really quite ear-splitting, and I'm sure it hurts Maddie's giant ear.

The girls are getting BIG and have just now started eating meat....which is truly disgusting. Not like they're gnawing on a chicken bone, which might be fun to try...A few nights ago, Kelli whips out this baby food jar labeled "Meat"...Lord only knows what kind or what part of the animal it came from. Neither of the girls liked it, in fact, if the look on their faces were any indication, she may have been feeding them battery acid...man they hated it. I had a taste of it and, I'm telling you, it tasted like what you'd get if you took a roll of toilet paper, and boiled it in some old chicken broth and canned tuna juice, then cooled it off and grabbed a big spoonfull for yourself....HORRIBLE!

Don't these people taste this stuff? And for the record, don't ever eat "Meat" that is in a jar...it's generally a bad idea. In a can is also bad, but in a jar is so terrible...like I want to see this stuff in a glass jar!

So, we're vegetarian babies for now...I can't let my kids eat that meat stuff...the vegetables are bad enough. For some reason, baby food tastes like throw up to me...blecchh...babies are gross.

So, enough ranting for now. I need to go grab a bite to eat because I'm ripped now. My atheltic body requires high-octane fuel, you see.

Anywho....better get back to work...I will try to keep up the blog a little better than I have....well maybe a lot better.

See ya.

www.flickr.com

Post 41

2008-06-26T09:07:00.009-05:00

Well folks....how the hell are you today?

I'm doing pretty well. Today is June 26, 2008. On this day 38 years ago, I was born to my wonderful mother Patricia and my father, Jerry. I was their first child of two, and I would imagine was a pretty big shock to the entire familial stasis at the time. If you don't know what familial stasis means, well, you'll have to look it up in your Funk & Wagnall's.

Today I'm going to diverge from my normal update on the girls, Kelli, et al, coupled with random musings from an overstimulated and emotionally underdeveloped dude and launch into a concept I like to call "Letter to Boo and Mad Dog" or "Some Things I Have Learned in the 38 Years I Have Lived". Should be interesting. The thought being that they, or someone who knows how to read aloud, can read this and either understand or convey my understanding of some life lessons I'd like to think I have learned and/or are still learning.

As for a quick update before I begin, the girls are doing very well, are making funny noises, are starting to recognize each other, can roll over, are eating food that looks like ABC food (already been chewed), and officially know how to splash in the baby pool. This is big news! Kelli is doing well, is still hot, wears those nutty Spalding-from-Caddyshack madras shorts, and is the love of my life.

So....let's begin. Some of these are a bit "stream of consciousness" but are pretty good.... and knowing all this only took me 38 years....not too bad.

Some Things I'd Like Boo and Mad Dog to Know In Lieu of Having to Learn Them on Their Own:

1. Some things you just have to learn on your own. To that, sometimes you just have to break stuff so you'll know what not to do next time, and you'll know how to fix it when you DO do it the next time. You may need a diagram for this. See me for further explication. The point is....if things aren't getting broken, then you're not doing enough stuff.

2. Love God and fear God. Follow the rules in the Bible and you will be fine. The weird rules in the Old Testament are just that...weird, and are meant to show that God wants you to be respectful of His rules and the rules of others. All that weird cloven-hoofed animals stuff and other Leviticus stuff is just weird. Read it, understand it, and move on. Be a good Christian even when you don't want to be. It's generally a good policy. Pray a lot too. When in doubt....pray.

3. Tell the people that you love that you love them, and tell them even when it seems awkward or weird to say it.

4. Girls like hugs, and guys don't like hugs as much as girls do. Many guys like to get hugs from girls so they can be closer to their girl parts...and smart girls know this. You should know this.

5. Most people are generally good, and you should always give people the benefit of the doubt...I don't really understand what "the benefit of the doubt" means...I guess you are doubting that said person is as rotten as they have been portrayed to be, thus granting them a benefit of your own doubt...I don't know....it's a weird saying. Just remember, people, generally, are good...they start off good, and pick up some stuff along life's highway, but remember that at the core, they are good. It's good to help them remember that you think this about them.

6. You don't have to know everything to get along in life, but you do need to know who to call or where to look if you don't know something and you need to know it. To that, maintain relationships with people you meet along the way.

7. Be respectful of all people, especially those that may be more timid or less outgoing than you are. Remember, a closed mouth is usually the sign of an active mind...or it may be the sign of that they are eating....or both. It's your call here.

8. Listen very carefully to people so you can understand. Pay attention to those who are speaking to you and understand them best you can. If you don't understand, ask questions. If you disagree, you mustn't always reveal this at the time you think it. Sometimes it is required, as in when you encounter a giant load of bullsh*t, but generally you should listen, think, process, then maybe speak...but always think and seek to understand.

9. Become adept at remembering people's names. Learn the tricks early and become good at it.

10. Always keep a few hundred bucks in cash hidden somewhere in your house. Also keep a spare $50 bill in your purse and in your car. When you're in a bind, you can generally buy your way out of it, but if you're cashless....you may be out of luck. Don't always use cash, but have it around in case of an emergency....

11. Don't loan more than $100 to a friend. Any loan to a friend you must assume is money you have thrown in the trash, because when you're friend fails to pay you back, well, just forgive the debt and keep the friend. It's a good investment.

12. Save 10% of what you make. Pay yourself first, then everyone else second. You earned it, so keep some of it. This is probably the single most important lesson you can learn.

13. Read more than you watch television...and don't just read fiction...read magazines, biographies, etc. You can learn a lot from printed words.

14. Don't dress like a slob, and don't go a day without a shower unless you are camping or marooned on an island or something. When you dress like a slob, people will assume you are a slob, and you don't want people thinking you are a slob. Look nice and smell nice and you have half the battle won.

15. 75% of everything is just showing up. This sounds silly, I know, but remember, there are a lot of hard things that must be done in your life, and for the most part, you won't know exactly how to do them or deal with them, and this will exert a tremendous force on you to not attempt them. Just remember, you can figure it out once you get there....but at least get there. Show up...this is vitally important. Just show up.

16. School isn't everything, and grades aren't everything either. Yes, it is desirable to have a good high school academic record that you can use to get yourself into a good college, but don't let the chase for good grades rule your childhood. Get good enough grades, and make a lot of friends, do a lot of fun things, and learn how to be a good person, not just a good student. There are a number of guys in my engineering school in college who were great at calculus, thermodynamics, and other generally nerdy subjects and had very high grade point averages, but never had fun, never learned how to socialize, and never learned how to relate to different kinds of people. Today these guys are still unable to relate to people...and this is the skill most crucial for success after college. Not one person ever in my business relationships ever asked me what kind of grades I made in college....not one. It's irrelevant.

...now if you decide to go to graduate school, well, you need to have good undergraduate grades but I digress....you get the point.

17. Learn a trade or some skill that you can do well to earn money. I learned how to make cabinets when I dropped out of college...this has turned out to be a very handy skill. I will never forget how to do this, and if the world decides it doesn't need real estate guys, well, I can go make cabinets. Learn a "hard" skill...just in case.

18. Don't listen to music that is very very loud. When I was a kid I was told that if I listened to loud music in my earphones for a prolonged period of time I would experience hearing loss. I thought it wouldn't happen to me. I was wrong...and they were right. Which leads me to...

19. Listen to authority, but don't always follow it. Half the time authority figures are truly looking out for you and are imparting advice that is generally helpful...and half the time they have hidden agendas and are manipulating you towards an end they desire. Understanding this is key....figuring out whether what you're hearing is BS or not, well, that's the trick.

20. Always allow someone a way out of an argument, and allow them to save face. Don't corner someone during an argument blocking an avenue for them to gracefully admit fault and save face. Think of how you'd feel if you were wrong and weren't allowed to gracefully admit you were wrong and to get out of the argument with your scalp (if you are having trouble imagining what it's like to be wrong, well, come see me...I'm wrong a lot).

21. Serve people, and give more than you receive. God has put you here for a reason, and only when you serve others and give to others will you understand that reason.

22. Don't curse....a lot. Using curse words shows a lack of intellect and lack of vocabulary. As a father to you two girls, I'd hate for you to use coarse language, but I know it's not all unicorns and rainbows out there. Only use coarse language for effect. Casual use of coarse language dilutes its power, and makes you look like a nasty dope.

23. Don't speed in your car. Going 10 miles per hour faster than everyone else doesn't really get you anywhere and is only frustrating for you having to dodge everyone in traffic which is very dangerous to you and to others. Mathematically, you'd have to drive a full hour to gain that extra 10 miles in distance...and being somewhere 2-3 minutes before you would have arrived had you not sped is hardly worth endangering yourself and others, and is definitely not worth a $400 speeding ticket. For a $400 ticket to make sense (incurring this cost to save yourself 3 minutes) you'd have to make over $8,000 per hour...which equates to roughly $21-million annually...and if you make this much, well, you better have someone else drive you around because your time is better spent doing something else besides driving.

24. Don't be afraid of failure, but be afraid of not learning from your mistakes. The only way to learn is to do things you don't know how to do, which usually results in mistakes being made (because you don't know what you're doing, remember?). Know how to recover from your mistakes, and move on. If you've made a mistake, well, you're growing...and once you've made a mistake, realize it, admit it, seek to understand why you made it, and get back to it. The worst thing you can possibly do is nothing. Doing nothing because you are afraid of failing is to suffer a slow death.

25. It's not the destination, but the journey. Don't get so focused on a goal that you don't enjoy the things you will experience on the way to realizing your goal....because by the time you get to your goal, you will have set newer ones, which will sour the sweetness of achieving that first goal... This is not such a bad thing, but it cements the idea that it's all about what you see along the way...and not just the destination....

26. Take pictures...lots of pictures.

27. Don't focus on the money, but do focus on doing what you love. I have the privilege of doing what I love to do...and it beats the money everyday.

Well....that's it. I'm sure there are many more where that came from, but, frankly, I've got to go get a haircut.

28. Don't delay getting a haircut. If you think you need one, then go get one.

See ya.

Ground Control to Major Tom, prepare for liftoff. Whatever you do, DO NOT pull on the fluffy green frog.

Post 40

2008-06-19T07:39:00.006-05:00

Well folks...what's the dealio with you?

I'm just sitting here in my office on the 18th floor of Galleria Tower III, overlooking the lemmings driving to work in their "shiny metal boxes" (sorry, I had the Police on the iPod this a.m.) and, after having read a very nice comment from my old RRHS friend Nancy Lively regarding the blog and the monsters, I thought I'd "put out some more product" so you all would have something to read besides the stupid newspaper, Sodoku (I guess that's how you spell it), or one of the internets.

You see I'm supposed to be reading comments from our attorneys on a contract for (insert boring and esoteric real estate topic here) but I've decided to get hopped up on Starbuck's (Italian Roast is delicious, even though it's not freshly ground) and write a blog post, ie, the crazy ramblings of a dude with collar points in his shirt whose ADHD meds haven't kicked in yet this morning. I don't know if it's the approaching very scary-looking weather which, for some reason, makes everyone hyper, including me, or the fact that everyone's on vacation today but me, and, well, these Baker Botts comments (all 40 pages) don't seem to be an extremely compelling use of my time right now...I must say that if I made $850 per hour (yes that's what the lawyers make) I'd probably NOT be writing this but would be reading THAT.

But............let's roll into this.

So how's it going?

Everything's good here. Kelli's doing great, and her hair seems to be leaving her scalp at an ever-decreasing rate versus its previous rate of departure which was borderline Chernobyl-victim'ish. I know she (really me) is thankful for that. Like I've said in previous posts, hormones, to me, are the breath of God, and they control everything, and, like they say in El Buen Libro, the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, and I guess that goes for hair too. Thanks Uncle Hormones for stopping the "taketh away".

Speaking of hair, the girls are finally growing some hair, as the Big Man I suppose is in "giveth" mode right now (mainly because he’s already done some takething as the Deuce both have some wicked bald spots from lying around doing nuthin’). I’m glad to see it, and it was really just a matter of time, in that the Big Hair genes are definitely present in my own gene pool. In fact, my hair is what I’d call “aggressive” in that I have the opposite of a “receding” hair line…my hair line is actually “encroaching” or maybe even “invading”. I’m not sure that “encroach” or “invade” are truly the best antonyms for “recede” but again, coupled with its aggressive nature, these words certainly send the right message. My hair actually grows down onto my forehead towards my eyes, so, I suppose, eventually, if left unchecked, I’d be a Sasquatch, at least the face part anyway…I guess I’d be a face Sasquatch. No, I don't mean it just grows long and covers my forehead, I mean on some mornings, I get up and actually no kidding have a new hair that's sticking out of the middle of my forehead, and it's an inch long or more! Yes, I’m a disgusting animal, I know.

So the girls shouldn’t have any trouble growing a bunch of hair, in that I have hair, and Kelli has hair too, so, I mean, we’re not launching rockets over here…the girls should be ok for hair.

Now as for personality…well, that goes without saying. They already have that…speaking of which, our little Mad Dog, and it turns out that nickname is quite appropriate for our young Skywalker, has quite a temper, and, it seems, is quite clever in combining all the required ingredients for a “temper tantrum” (or what we lovingly call a “bitch fit”) those being the lip pout, sad eyes, cry, feet kick, and hand pump…and yes, I’ve seen the video and it wasn’t pretty. Kelli said she had to smack her little diaper-covered micro-butt with a flyswatter (yes, we are very classy people as we keep a flyswatter in the living room….) to keep her in check, which, of course didn’t work as our monsters have about 5 active brain functions, understanding remorse after being punished NOT being 1 of the 5. So, point being, Mad Dog is showing herself to be, as Kelli so aptly put it last night over our dinner of Fritos, beer, and a cookie, “clever, impatient, and high maintenance…just like her Dad”. But of course!

What? You’ve never enjoyed the culinary delights of Fritos, Shiner Bock, and a cookie for dinner? Well….come over any time. We call it the Carnival Diet, for obvious reasons, and I’m sure those “Mothers of Multiples” reading this can attest, is quite common amongst the “dually-childrened”. We’re saving up some dough for a Cotton Candy machine next month.

Anywho…the girls are doing great. Maddie has learned to roll over, which is great and fun to watch, that is, until she gets extremely annoyed that it’s rather boring lying on her stomach and having to hold up her giant head. Boo, I don’t think, is quite ready to roll over, but she’s mastered the lay-down, and really doesn’t mind being on her tummy either, even though her head probably weighs as much as the remainder of her body. My Granny Karr cemented it when she declared, upon first seeing Boo, “that’s definitely a Karr head”. So, there you have it…she has a Karr head. Poor monkey.

…and yes they are sleeping….

They hit the sack about 7:30 (in the P.M.) and wake up around 7:00 (in the A.M.) and don’t really quite go nuts in the middle of the night like they used to. This is WONDERFUL! I hear they are pretty well behaved during the day, except for Mad Dog being a grumpy pants. Boo Boo is just a happy little monster, until it’s time to go to sleep, at which point the sky opens up and Satan flies down and takes over her body for an hour or so….then Satan gets tired, drops his pacifier, and succumbs to the soothing sounds of Beethoven emanating from the “crazy-ass” mobile that hangs above Boo’s crib (aka, the House of Pain). Well, she sure looks like a sweet girl when she’s laying there asleep…poor little Boo.

I wonder if electronic beeps and bonks in the form of Beethoven played on a $5 Casio keyboard being heard through a $2 tinny speaker continuously for 10 hours a day is going to warp their little brains?

I guess we’ll find out…cuz if it helps them sleep…well….I’m all over it.

Ok….time to get to work....and no I'm still not going to read those lawyer comments. Maybe I'll see something shiny and can stare at it for a few minutes...(come on Aderrall....kick it in).

Thanks for stopping by. See you next time.

Post 39 (or something like that)

2008-06-16T16:04:00.003-05:00

LOOKING FOR WORK!

Attention:

We have decided to put Boo to work. She has absolutley no marketable skills, besides looking cute, however, if you need a very short person, say 28” high, who doesn’t know how to talk, stand, keep drool in her mouth, or feed herself, but farts a lot and owns her own welding goggles, please let me know. Boo Boo may be able to help.

Post 38

2008-06-03T09:02:00.002-05:00

Hey there.

How're we doing?

Well, that was the longest drought in the history of the blog. Sorry about that.

We've (I've) been pretty stressed out the last month, namely because we've made some big changes at the Deuce House. First, Dad started a new job. Yes, it seems every two years Dad starts a new job, mainly because that's how long it takes for my employer to discover I really have no marketable skills, other than pushing things and picking up heavy stuff. Not really....it's just that an opportunity came along and, for the sake of all of us, I just HAD to take it. I hated to leave Hillwood, because the people there are so wonderful, truly, BUT....I had made up my mind and that's that. The downside being that I decided to do it in the middle of dealing with two new monkeys arriving AND moving into a new house. SOOOOO....it's been tough, but I'm starting to unclench and smile every now and then…and yes, I am pushing out many grey hairs, and Kelli’s hair is just plain falling out. I suspect she may be pulling it out.

The new job is going great, and we are very busy. The house is great, and we are finally unpacked, for the most part, and have even painted the girls’ room (a color we have decided we don’t like…but I digress…). I have installed a few ceiling fans in the house, and even installed one CORRECTLY on the first try (a rare event), and recently celebrated the installation of my 1000th ceiling fan (lifetime)! Yes, it was a wonderful event…I screwed that 5000th ceiling fan blade on with tears in my eyes as I reached a major milestone in my life. I am a legend. But you knew that already.

Anywho, Grandma (official name, “Gammie”) moved down from Missouri to be back in Texas (part of our very busy May) where all her grandchildren and their parents all live, and she’s getting settled into her wing of the Karr Estate on Ben Hogan Lane. I’m sure it’s a bit nerve-racking going from a nice quiet home to total, non-stop chaos, where dirty diaper “marshmallows” cover almost every horizontal surface, there’s always some plastic shiny colorful cuddly thing either swinging, beeping, tinking, or whirring, and a very small person wearing a diaper is either sleeping (yay!), wiggling, cooing, screaming, moaning, groaning, smiling, throwing up in slow motion, or looking generally adorable (even though you may want to spank her butt). Oh well, that’s life in the fast lane for ya.

The girls are all doing well, in that I mean the four women I live with (it’s starting to sound like a polygamist sect don’t you think?) are all doing well. Boo and Maddie typically lay around all day, while Gammie and Kelli run around like maniacs trying to stave off hunger, do laundry, and keep the monsters entertained. I secretly think they just sit around all day and watch Ellen over and over on the ridiculously large TV, but I doubt that’s true….if it was Family Guy, well, I might believe that.

Speaking of polygamist sects, what the heck are those nutballs thinking, marrying more than one woman? I mean, is it a sex thing, or are those guys just masochists? By saying “a sex thing”, is it that, statistically, considering a wife may be “in the mood” approximately 20% of the time at any given time, do you divide the number of your wives by that percentage to increase your odds to 100% that at any given time, you can find a wife of yours that’s “in the mood”? In our example, you’d end up with 5 wives!!!!!!!! Sure, that’s a simple way of looking at it….what if they’re all watching Ellen or Oprah together, but you get the idea… Is it as simple as that? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Kelli with all my heart and soul, but having MORE THAN ONE WIFE? Are you nuts? Let’s say you had just three wives….that’s three times as many shoes, purses, pairs of sunglasses, pairs of very tiny pairs of panties that you can’t fold, and the list goes on. Can you imagine the number of cotton balls they’d go through in a month? You’d have to grow your own to keep up. I can barely handle ONE much less MORE THAN ONE…and I consider myself to be a pretty handy fellow. I just don’t get the whole idea of polygamy. And here’s the capper, if they’re not legally married, then those children are all parents of single parents who don’t have jobs, which makes them eligible for all kinds of government subsidies…what a racket!

Ok….no more polygamist sect commentary. My dander is “getting up”. I don’t know what dander is, nor how it gets up, and I don’t even have a sect, but if those numbskulls can have a sect, then I can get my dander up.

So how are the girls doing?

They’re really doing well. Both of them are very responsive…they love to smile at you, and they laugh that cute little goo goo goo goo laugh that sounds like a cartoon character laugh. They both enjoy chewing on their hands (but who doesn’t, right?) and they both, consequently, have this shiny glaze covering their chins like some kind of crazy drool-goatee…which is adorable and disgusting all at the same time. I guess that’s the funny thing about babies, they are so cute and little and soft, yet, they are also covered in drool, puke, and smell like a combination of poo and lotion all the time. You just want to hug them and squeeze them, and they may smile back at you or laugh or giggle, or they may also fart, poo, puke, or cry, or if you are Boo, you may do all that simultaneously. It’s just a wonderful thing. I love them so much and at the same time I want them to quit whining/crying and to go to sleep. Oh well….they’re funny little monkeys.

Check out Maddie in her sweet loungewear

And Boo decided to go topless....

They're just chillin' chillens. Co Co to go. Word.

Well….better get back to it… Thanks for stopping by.

Post 37

2008-04-29T15:07:00.005-05:00

You know, sometimes you just get it right.

These girls, I tell you, are just the cutest darn little monkeys you've ever seen.

Take for instance, this picture.

This makes me laugh a lot. Like right now, I'm laughing as I type this. Yes, I'm still laughing.

It's just the greatest picture, because, well, it's marked up and that's funny for me, but really it shows their personalities.

You have Mad Dog, who is always looking pensive with her very clever and progressive goat and spectacles, and Boo Bear, just out there in the world, waving HOWDY DOO TO YOU with her shiny drool-coated double-chin, handlebar moustache, and the always-funny alien antennae. Plus, the evil spikey eyebrows gives her that mishievous look.

Oh man, I'm still laughing.

Thought I'd share.

Ok, I just scrolled up and I'm laughing again.

How much fun are we going to have with these little ding-dongs?!

See ya.

Post 34

2008-04-18T11:04:00.003-05:00

Well, for some reason we skipped Post 34, so I thought I'd reach back and call this one Post 34...so here goes...

How ya doin'?

We're great!

Last night...6 1/ 2 hours of sleep for the peapods.

'nuf said.

I am assuming this will continue until they start teething. Oh well...we're hardened, grisly ol' non-sleepers now, so it won't matter.

Thanks for stopping by.

By the way (no I won't use your stupid little text message acronyms either), my sister Jackie is what many people might call an "artistic" person, being that she's had artism for many years. She has stolen some photos that belong to ME and used them to create some very cute collages for the girls' posterior, or something like that.

Here are them (yes she got the brains, and I got the looks):

Post 36

2008-04-16T20:22:00.003-05:00

Well just wanted to practice making a blog post more than once per month...so here goes.

How's it going for you?

Things here are going pretty well. Tuesday night I had the girls all to my self for a few hours which was like juggling chainsaws on a tightrope....not for those lacking intrepidity. Yes, intrepidity, that is what I call an SAT word....you know, one of those words you learned in high school while preparing for the SAT test, where you stuffed it in your brain, held it there for a few weeks, then puked it out during the test.

Point being, it was scary as hell for me.

But.......

That night, the girls slept 7 1/2 hours, which is a personal best for them, and quite frankly is the most sleep Kelli has had in quite a while. Of course we woke up wondering if 1) the monitor was off and 2) we had killed the kids. But...after hauling a$$ upstairs to check, they were both sound asleep! Until...you guessed it, I walked out the door...after that, it was GO TIME. Unreal....7 1/2 hours!

So we thought it was an anomaly, in that Boo is a bit under the weather for some reason, but guess what, last night they slept almost 7 hours! Again, we thought we'd killed them, but we hadn't, and they were sleeping little buggers. Again, unbelievable. Clearly we are child-rearing experts beyond reproach....clearly.

Of course, we have now set ourselves up for a big disappointment for tonight, expecting they will again sleep through the night...well who knows but you can bet we will be crossing our fingers and toes.

Oh, I almost forgot, we had a world record poo yesterday from Boo Butt. Kelli even called me at the office to let me know how big it was....I know....that's nice of her isn't it? ("Just a second guys, my wife is describing this giant bowel movement my daughter just had...."). Yes, we are ready for the country club, no doubt. Back to the poo....Kelli said she had poo from her knees up to her shoulders, which I doubted at first, but, alas, Kelli saved the clothes as proof of the mammoth poo (not like it's going to wash out, and not like we're going to try...yama hama!) and yes, I can tell you, there was poo from shoulder to knee on that child. That's impressive, both from a coverage perspective, but it's also impressive volume and must have required tremendous head pressure...to be able to poo like that takes an incredible force....and the hydraulics of it are impressive as well...but if anyone can do it, it's Boo Belle with the Poo Smell.

So...that's the news from the homefront. Pretty much sleeping and pooing...that's the exciting life we lead over here at the New and Improved Dirt Farm Annex #1. I know, we used to read books, go shopping, look at flowers...but now we just sit and hold little people that eat, sleep, and poop....and we love every minute of it (on average, I guess).

...and in case you were ever wondering why Kelli and I went through all this in vitro, bedrest, NICU, etc...well, here it (they) is (are).

Mad Dog
Boo Belle

Aren't they cute little monsters? Don't you just want to eat them they're so cute!? Let me warn you, though, like all vegetables, make sure you wash the before you eat them.

Thanks for stopping by.

Post 35

2008-04-15T12:50:00.008-05:00

Hey there party people.

Ok, so I've been a little B U S Y with 1) moving into a new house, 2) starting a new job, and 3) keeping the Deuce alive....and Kelli and I too...somewhat.

...and yes, to quote one of my faithful blog viewers, "no new posts makes for a dull boy. Spice it up dad, blog-land is getting really bored here..." I say, I'm sorry....I will get right to it.

So...what's happening with you?

Not much here....just moved into our new house (Adios Dirt Farm!) which is fantastic (I love that new house smell, all the chemicals from the new carpet, paint, and appliances...it's a wonderful world we live in!). I also started a new job, which has been stressful but is GREAT!, and Kelli is settling into her new job as a full-time mom, and the babies are really doing well, for the most part...you know, it's hard being little.

I say "for the most part" because, well, they're starting to smile now, which is just so cute and wonderful, and Maddie (also known as "Wiggles") has started to learn how to chew on her hand to soothe herself (no, this doesn't work for adults, so don't try it) and Izzie, who we now call Boo, just struggles to keep her giant Karr head from falling forward, backward (her preferred location), to the right, or to the left. Fortunately for her, if her head falls forward it doesn't really have much room to move in that chin #1 and chin #2 are there to keep it propped up.

The only problem is that if her head does happen to fall forward, she has no chance of pulling it up because the sticky dried formula gooey goo yuck mess adheres chin #1to chin #2 like some kind of baby venus-flytrap. Poor Boo Bell, she's such a pudgy little girl...this weekend, Kelli and I found that she has "feet fat"...she has a thick layer of baby fat on the tops of her feet, and she also has forehead fat too...I'd say those two places are the last refuge for fat storage...I'm not sure where we can go from here with this.

She's a happy little feller though, and it's nice to get some positive feedback every now and then, as opposed to the feedback we have been used to getting which has typically consisted of crying, both soft and loud types, moaning, burping, farting, and throwing-up and/or a combo of any of the above. The other day Boo both burped, belched, and farted all at the same time, which was followed immediately by a big grin.....that's my girl! It was quite impressive, and disgusting all at once. Now I realize how Kelli must feel being my wife...impressed and disgusted all at the same time.

As for Maddie, well, she has what Kelli and I call "a look of serious concern". She's definitely the sensitive type, who likes to have her little routine, and likes to have everything "just right" for her little world to be a happy one...and will definitely let you know if she's having a problem, which is pretty much all the time.
Case in point...

Now, of course, everytime I see this picture, I laugh very loudly, much like you may be doing now. It's not that it's all that cute, but she just looks like such a sad little bugger, yet cute too, all the while sporting that Vincent D'Onofrio buzzcut from Full Metal Jacket (or John Candy from Stripes). This pic's got it all...humor, sadness, cuteness, and a weird haircut.

Man he looks creepy...

So anyway....we're all doing ok. Kelli is really pulling the superhero moves here. She's a force to be reckoned with...she will flat do whatever it takes to get those babies feeling good, and it's really impressive. She is a very good mother to our little baby girls. How she does what she does is amazing to me....and I know, because tonight I had to manage them both.

...and that was F U N....we started with Boo in a full "Daddy I'm Sick" cry, you know, the one where you have no idea what is causing it, and the more you try to soothe her, the more she cries? Well, I put her in one of our 74 bouncy chairs and was praying that she'd stop crying, when Wiggle started in with her moan...louder moan...grunt...groan...spurts of crying...then full crying, with pouty bottom lip and all..while Boo was in a full F5 tornado cry/scream, and all I could do was just focus, pray, and start doing SOMETHING!

You see, with twins, when they both go off, it's tough, because you can't hold both of them and hold a pacifier in their mouths/feed them, etc., because there are two of them and only two or fewer of your arms/hands (check for yourself...it's true). So you have to decide who you're going to work on first and who is going to get to cry...and this is very tough. Hearing your baby cry is not pleasant...it makes me sad and mad and panicky all at the same time.

(What is weird is what I call the "Phantom Cry", where you think you hear a baby crying, but it's something else, like the TV, a large mouse, or a squeaky Conestoga wagon wheel...or maybe it's your own cries as you ponder when you will ever get more than five hours of sleep).

I am sure somewhere in the human genome, there exists a gene that triggers a person to respond to a crying baby. The sound of it elicits a response that can't be ignored, and even Charlie responds to it. He doesn't like it when the girls cry, however, he's not much help, mainly because his paws can't hold a bottle or a baby, or even a beer. Tonight was no different, and of course, true to form, Charlie was of absolutely no help...however, if I had asked him to immediatley start licking himself, he'd have been there. Darn Charlie dog....but we love him anyway.

Here he is hogging Bouncy #32 but he doesn't enjoy the music and vibration like the girls do...he's so sensitive.

So...I managed to keep the girls alive and relatively unharmed for a few hours, which to me was an impressive feat, (much like when I manage to clean, dry, fold, and put up (you know I hate the put up) an entire load of laundry, when Kelli does this without even thinking about it, but for some reason I see it as a Nobel Prize-worthy event), however Kelli takes care of BOTH babies all day, every day...and I have no idea how she does it. Truly, I have no idea. I can make buildings stand up, but taking care of two babies....is beyond me. Kelli is my hero.

Anywho....better close for now. I will try try try to put posts up more often...things are finally starting to plane out here, and we're down to only 4 or 5 boxes left to unpack...unfortunately one of them has my underwear in it. Maybe the movers stole them...and yes, I am not too proud to tell you I put my underwear in a box, but only when we move.

See ya.

Thanks for stopping by.

Post 33

2008-03-18T06:27:00.004-05:00

Hola!

Well oh well....it's been quite a month since my last post. Sorry about that...you all have probably given up on us. Well, don't feel bad, you're not the only ones...we've almost given up on ourselves as well.

Everybody's doing really well!

The girls are doing really really well, and Kelli and I are holding up ok. We seem to be getting into a rhythym, and, after having lowered our standards, are beginning to learn how to operate on 3-4 hours of sleep.

Speaking of sleep...

It's around 6am and I'm still up from the 4am feeding. Good grief...feeding one while praying that the other doesn't wake up and go into full scream mode is tough. Today I learned a cool trick from Kelli...if you have one down on the changing table, you can prop her bottle up on the window ledge behind the changing table while you tend to the other screaming ding-dong. This is a good trick, one that I used only a few hours ago. Kelli is smart and stuff.

Of course, it's really about survival at this point, and those of you with twins understand...it's like being in a machine.

The process:
Either you are asleep or you're barely awake, then you hear the screaming/crying, go in to soothe that baby, hope like hell the other one doesn't go into full scream mode, because if that happens and you are unarmed (without a bottle) then you're hosed, lay her down, put in her pacifier, run downstairs (yes....we have the nursery upstairs, and my glutes are WICKED!), make a bottle (given that you even have a clean bottle and parts laying around...if you don't, then you're really fired) run back upstairs, lay her down on the changing table, change her diaper, put her clothes back on...God-willing...(and all those friggin' snaps!!!!!), (PLEASE DON'T WAKE UP, OTHER BABY!!!) wash your hands (I am only inserting this step in case CPS is monitoring this blog, which is probably a good idea...if using alcohol gel is acceptable, then we're off the hook), put on her bib, which illicits instant crying and screaming because, well obviously, bibs are sooooo horrible and evil to babies, grab a burp cloth or some type of fabric something...even carpet scraps work ok, sit down on THE CHAIR and stick the bottle in her mouth...which, if things are going as they normally are, is wide open in a full scream/cry/devil-conjuring/speaking-in-tongues yell at this point. Of course...the magic nipple turns all the bad things off and it's time to EAT!!!

The feeding itself takes about 30 minutes if you are feeding Maddie, because she's "Slow-Boat" or about 10-15 minutes if you are feeding Isabelle, aka "Shop-Vac". Throw in a couple of burps and throw-ups, and you're looking at about a 45 minute process per baby.

So....let's do the math, because math is the international language.

Time between feedings...3 hours.

3 hours - (45 minutes for one baby) - (45 minutes for the other baby) = 1.5 hours for sleep/eat/shower/laundry/general survival, etc.

As you can see...this doesn't leave much time for sleep, which is precisely correct. The irony, as I've mentioned before, is that while caring for something that requires as much care as a baby, God has decided that this should be done with a complete lack of restful sleep. With all due respect, I'm not sure this is such a great idea, however, considering the very low statistical probability that a couple will have twins, this offsets the bad design. Unless it happens to you...which is where we are today.

That being said...Kelli, yet again, has proven to be my personal hero, because she does all this stuff ALONE during the day, and when I come home from my gallavanting (aka, my job) then my real job starts, which is keeping the machine going, and going, and going.

So...all this circles back to the reason for such a long time between posts. We are under fire here people! We need to call in an airstrike, asap! We are under fire!

So....since we last spoke, we've been keeping the kids alive, and we've moved into a new house, and yes, doing these two things simultaneously is a terrible idea....truly. I don't recommend it.

But...the house is great, as much as we can tell (we can see most of it now) and the kids love it...they love the backyard and their new room....just kidding. They wouldn't know if I'd sat them down on the moon...as long as there was a bottle and someone to throw up on, they'd be happy. Sounds like college doesn't it?

Speaking of throw up...

Last night, I was holding Isabelle, who was steady holding at 150psi because Kelli had just aired her up, and I, having completely fallen in love with her, wanted to kiss her full little lips. She's so pretty (fat, but pretty...like Anna Nicole Smith used to be). So, I was kissing her and she was kissing me back and it was so wonderful, then Isabelle decided she wanted to show Daddy how much she loves him by THROWING UP IN MY MOUTH. What a treat! And I thought the food tasted bad while it was still in the bottle... So, we've issued a temporary no-mouth-kissing moratorium until it has been determined that babies can keep baby throw up inside baby tummies, and not put baby throw up in Daddy's mouth. Daddy doesn't like to taste throw up, much less throw up that does not belong to him.

Oh what fun....

They really are wonderful little girls, and when they aren't screaming and/or generally going bananas, they are really sweet...I can tell they will be so very kind and sweet, someday, and they will have tea parties, where Maddie will cry when someone used her napkin and Isabelle will end up eating her chair. They are such funny monkeys.

Of course, we like to have fun, because we like the nightlife, we like to boogie, and we're only joking at the expense of our children....they truly are a blessing and we love them very much....and I can't wait until I can show them how to operate a mower and a weedeater. That will truly be a great day!

Well, better close for now...I hear the monsters stirring upstairs. Time to work those glutes and time to make some bottles.

Thanks for stopping by.

Don't forget to stop by the Flickr page at http://www.flickr.com/photos/littleloosedeuce and enjoy cute pics like this one....

Aren't they cute little devils!!! I bet you can't tell they were both screaming there lungs out while I was snapping these photos...

This is the classic Double Wisconsin Pin move that I'm sure Isabelle will use once she joins the Baby World Wrestling Federation. The key here is to push your fingers into your opponents ears to quell there defense. She's got vicious moves. Of course she can always resort to throwing up on you.

Adios moist nachos!

Post 32

2008-02-15T08:00:00.011-06:00

"Dirt Farm 1 to Houston...the Izzy has landed"

Well....we have Isabelle home finally...and she spent a little too long in the NICU we are afraid. She looks like a noodle that's been cooking too long...a little squishy and swollen.

PICTURE TIME!

Here we have Jabba the Izzy informing Maddie how poorly her armpit smells. (If you think that smells...you outta check out the posterior of her business...)

...and here they are being sweet. This is a rare occurrence (my opinion may be a bit biased having just been screamed at, puked on, and pooped on...all before 5am this morning).

...and here's Maddie checking Izzy with her sweet karate moves. This emanates from her awesomeness, which is just now being learned by Izzy. You must respect the Mad Dog or it will BITE YOU (or suck really hard on you, because Mad Dog ain't got no teeth).

"Take that tubby! WHACK! This Pack-n-Play is MY HOUSE...and I play to WIN!" (or something really tough-sounding like that).

Charlie's really taken to the girls, and really likes them, probably because they are people that are ACTUALLY SMALLER THAN HIM! Plus they make funny noises and smell like poo. Basically he thinks we've gone to PetsMart and gotten him two new toys...I didn't have the heart to tell him they will grow to be larger than him and will pull his his fur, his ears, and his tail, and generally harrass him for many many years to come. Oh well....he's not much of a deep thinker anyway.

...and here's a picture of Misty the Cow...she's the humidifier we bought for the girls' room. Note the atomized water coming out of her ears. Kelli and I love this thing, mainly because it scares the crap out of Charlie and it's fun to watch him bark like an attack cat at it, second because it's cute, and third because it's great for moistening up hot dog buns. Yummy! Thanks Misty! (yes, we made that name up...aren't we clever little monkeys?).

...and here we are upon arrival at The Dirt Farm. It wasn't a bad trip home, and it was definitely nice knowing we won't be going back to the hospital anytime soon. Everyone there was so nice to us. I am going to miss everyone there, and I am sure they are glad I won't be up there any longer yelling at them. Seriously, they were awesome...Thanks Presby Plano!

Check out the head on Izzy!

...and now for some close-ups...

Here is super-cute Izzy and her giant tongue. Man they really fattened her up at the NICU. She came in at 5 lbs, and left a month later at 8lbs 7 oz. From my last post, you can do the math on this weight gain. Scary. It's not that she's gained too much weight, it's that she doesn't have enough height. I better start saving for her Rascal now.

...and here is little Maddie...she's our talker/groaner and founding member of the Dirt Farm Super Funtime Pack-n-Play Girls Club. As you can see here she's bogged down in wondering how she's going to manage the new member of the DFSFPnPGC. Quite honestly, Kelli and I could tell she was much happier once Izzy arrived, and yesterday all Maddie wanted to do was reach out and touch her sister...luckily she was only millimeters away.

They are such cute little bunnies.

Post 31

2008-02-10T10:14:00.001-06:00

From here on out, I will more than likely drop little vignettes and spot bits down on the site rather than author a slow trickle of long stories.

So here goes....

I just woke up from my 3 1/2 hour night's sleep and decided to make some coffee...

Kelli, having been up for a few hours, let me know that my coffee may end up being a little weak if I brewed it like that.

What can I say? A mother knows...and she is really a mother.

She's also decided that my driving privileges have been suspended today.

Post 30

2008-02-10T05:24:00.000-06:00

It's 5:20am and we just put Mad Dog down after her 3:30am feeding. I"ve been up since midnight...but you know, it's Saturday night...and I love the nightlife, I love to boogie...

It normally doesn't take this long to get her through a feeding cycle, however, true to form here at The Dirt Farm, Kelli and I had to run out to the backyard and, while Kelli held the flashlight in her bathrobe and houseshoes, I took a few potshots at the skunks that live under the house with the .22.

You see, last night while I was feeding Maddie, and K-Pez was getting her 2 hours of sleep, the skunks that live under the house, who normally, by the way, are pretty well behaved and don't stink up the place, decided to, well, stink up the place. I don't really know why this happens, but I suppose they, like us, are fat, dumb, and happy with their skunk family members then someone gets upset about something and you have an argument on your hands. However, in this case, when the skunks have an argument, The Dirt Farm house gets inundated with skunk stink.

This has only happened a handful of times but I had had enough! Last night, we declared a jihad on the skunks under the house. Yes, we have decided to murder the skunks under the house for the betterment of mankind.

Some people may see this as being inhumane...I mean why don't we just capture them and release them somewhere else? To those people we say, we don't care...and if you think it's a good idea to catch a skunk and "move" it to be released at another location...well, you need your head checked. The logistics of that operation are pretty tough without a tranquilizer gun...and if I had a tranquilizer gun, I wouldn't be taking an hour and a half to feed Maddie and get her back to sleep.

Check out the peapod right here....

Isn't she just a cutie pie? Jeanae, one of the nurses at the NICU, made those hats for the girls. Kelli and I think she looks like a little Aunt Jemima.

So...I bet you are wondering about Isabelle? She's decided to hang back at the NICU for a little more grow time. She was supposed to come home this Monday, BUT.....this morning she had another apnea and, when that happens, it restarts the "go-home" clock to 5 days. So, we may see Izzie at the Dirt Farm by this weekend, barring any more apnea episodes.

So that's a bummer, but it's ok. Like everything else, we will muddle through with God's grace and the help of friends and family.

Here's the little Mini-Me herself..

Isn't she just too sweet?

She's a little chunky monkey too (Karr genes are kicking in here)...she weighs in at 8 lbs, having gained 3 lbs in a month.

You know, at this rate, by the time she's 18 she will weigh 648 lbs! And by the time she turns 30, she will weigh in at 1080 lbs...over half a ton!

Good grief we've got to get a handle on this situation....pronto! Oh well, who knows, by then, we all may be that fat, and that weight may be normal. At least she'll fit right in at Wal-Mart on her Rascal, parking in the handicap spot so she doesn't get winded walking the 20 feet across the drive aisle into the store.

Oh man that's bad...but funny...at least it is on 3 hours of sleep.

Ok...I promise to blog more from here on out. This last week has been a total cluster...with Maddie coming home, K and I having NO SLEEP, no idea what to do, and no idea how to do it even if we knew what to do.

I commented to Kelli last Wednesday morning after we spent the night up at the hospital "rooming in" with absolutely no sleep whatsoever, that it's either a cruel irony or extremely bad design that new parents have this incredible responsbility to care for a frail little human being, having had almost no training, and all the while doing it with a lack of sleep and therefore diminished mental capacity. To me, it's like showing up for the first day of Driver's Education class (I guess they still have this...who knows) where on day one they hand you your license, give you the keys to a car, and put you in the middle of the pack of a NASCAR race at 220mph. It's insane....and I think that's the way people like it!

After we had Maddie home a couple of days, I went back to work for a few important meetings (those were fun!), and had people at work looking at me and my dazed and glazed eyes, and they'd kind of smile a little and enjoy the fact that another person was going through this little joyous misery that they too had to endure. No one tells you ALL the gory details, not because they don't want to, but more likely because when it happened to them, they too were operating with 2 hours of sleep and probably can't remember the mess they were in.

Oh well...with these two little monkeys, I'll take it all day and night (which is good, because that's what we're doing)

Better close....

Thanks for stopping by. Be cool, stay in school...and don't do drugs.

Don't forget to have a look at the Flickr site ever now and then for new pics. Right now we only have 450 or so up.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/littleloosedeuce

Post 29

2008-01-30T21:17:00.000-06:00

Well hey there.

Sorry we've been a little slow on the blog posts. Things here have been insane.

So...whassup!?

The girls are doing well. Kelli is healing and back to her fighting weight...she's only 6 pounds over her "going in" weight. Of course, the six pounds is all boobs....good grief, the milkman has come to the Dirt Farm. Yessirree.

The girls are doing really well. They're still in the NICU, but for one reason only...they keep having litle spells of apnea, where they temporarily stop breathing. They've passed every other test they've thrown at them, well, with the exception of the handwriting test. They both have terrible handwriting, but, what can you say? Kids these days...they'd rather text than write. Stupid kids.

They're both eating from the bottle or breast 8 times per day each. Right now they've both gained almost 2 pounds each. That's the Karr genes! As for being pretty, well, that's all me too...(haha). Damn I'm pretty. But you know this.

Speaking of pretty, we have as a case in point, Ms. Isabelle Grace Karr. Isn't she such a chubby little bugger?

We have Isabelle in the foreground and little ol' Madeline Hope still snoozing in the back. Isabelle is getting ready for a bath, which basically consists of her laying down and squinting while I take pictures of her. It's a process.

She did pretty well in the bath, but shaving her legs was a nightmare. Glad that's over.

...and below we have little Madeline...

She's just peacefully plotting her next poo...wondering if she's going to cover Dad or Mom with her toxic buttspray...isn't she cute?!

Well Mom got to bathe our little poop rocketeer...and man she needed it (and yes, we even had some "bubbles" in the bath that had us all scared for things to come...luckily nothing happened...no shots were fired thank goodness).

Isn't Kelli looking pretty! My goodness I'm blessed with such pretty girls.

And here we have the two little peapods, being inspected by Grandma Byers. Check out their sweet hats! Some of the nurses made them for the girls...I assume because many of the other babies in the NICU were getting their feelings hurt by our girls' beautiful fuzzy heads. Fuzzy little devils!

And of course, not to be excluded, Charlie wanted me to include a picture of him and his very sharp new sweater. Isn't he a dandy?! Here he's about to head to his club for a round of croquet and then gin and tonics with the girls. That guy knows how to live! Stud!

Better close for now....thanks for stopping by.

Post 28

2008-01-18T22:59:00.000-06:00

Hey there Fans of The Deuce!

Well everyone here is doing great!

The girls are two weeks old as of today....time has flown by! It's only seemed like a month since they were born...wait, I've got that backwards...what day is this? Who am I?

Kelli is healing and really getting around...and pumping some serious baby-juice. It's not bad really, she only has to pump 8 times a day (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)...so it's a lot of work, even without the Deuce loose at the Dirt Farm. And (I know you're not supposed to start a sentence with a subordinating conjunction, but I promise I won't do it again) well now I've forgotten what I was going to say...nevermind I guess.

Anywho....things are getting back to normal for everyone, which means that we're all adjusting to our surreal schedule where Kelli goes up to see the girls once or twice during the day, then we go together for the 8 pm feeding of the Deuce.

Today we had family day which was nice...we stayed for about 4 hours and hung out with the girls, which really means that we do a bunch of stuff like pump, clean baby butts, change diapers, hold bottles, and wash our hands 750 times, and Maddie and Issie just lay there and moan and groan and eat and burp and fart and pee and poop and fart some more....so basically it's the ideal male lifestyle they're experiencing. All they lack are dorm-mates and it'd be like my college experience...which explains why it took me so long to get out now that I think about it.

But I digress...

The girls are now at 36 weeks old, so technically, they aren't even "born" yet according to the doctors and nurses...so what this means is that the normal things you'd expect a newborn to do, well, the girls aren't able to do, and aren't really expected to do...but they are really progressing.

Physically, they are both gaining weight, and have surpassed their birth weight (babies are born and then lose weight, a lot, and then must gain it back obviously). They are both breathing room air, are in a crib together, are regulating their body temperatures on their own, and are both feeding off both a bottle and off mom's nipple. They actually both can take an entire bottle and finish it in around 15 minutes.

The only negative in their outlook is that they are both apneatic, which means that they both have a tendency to stop breathing...but they recover within seconds of stopping breathing. As you can imagine, this is extremely problematic, and is common in premature babies. All the babies in the NICU do this, so we're normal. They do this because their nervous systems are very very premature, and their little Duece brains get wrapped up in eating, pooping, sleeping, etc., and sometimes they get a bit overloaded and forget to breath....and not they they have to remember to breath, as you recall from 8th grade science class breathing is controlled by the involuntary or sympathetic part of the central nervous system...but let's remember....they're technically not "born" yet...and they've got some growing to do.

Like we say in the NICU...it's tough being little.

So....the girls are really doing well for not having been born yet, and Kelli is doing well too! She's back to "skinny-Minnie" mode and weighs about 3 pounds more than what she did before she got pregnant. As soon as her incision heals fully in a few weeks, she'll be back to her fighting form. What a champ!

We've uploaded soooo many pics to the Flickr website. The link is here

The website isn't the best...in that operationally it could be a little easier to use...but I've paid my $20 for unlimited storage...so we're sticking with it (yes, because I'm cheap, and because for $20, I can change my babies' diapers for a day).

Say hello to Isabelle Grace (this was taken Friday when we had our nasal canula in...it is gone now)

...and say hello to Madeline Hope

...aren't they the prettiest little things!

Stay tuned for more information....maybe in a couple of days, after I recover, I will tell you how fun it was to be poo'd on by Madeline, aka, The Poo Fountain!

...all I can say is...thank goodness I had an undershirt on.

AND.....please accept our sincere thanks and gratitude for everything you all have done for us. Please know we have Thank You notes on the way, but the reality is that there aren't enough Thank You cards in the world that can express how wonderful we think you all are, and how much we appreciate everything you've done for us.

THANK YOU for joining us on our little poo-covered journey towards parenthood....what the he** have we gotten ourselves into?!

Thanks for stopping by to hear about our wonderful girls.

Aren't ALL my girls wonderful....

Post 27

2008-01-10T21:25:00.000-06:00

Hola Muchachos.

If you'd like to hear this blog message in English, press 1.
Si tu quieres a oirlo in Espanol, ponga numero dos.

Ok...good choice...because I don't know that much Mexicish.

Just wanted to let everyone know that KELLI HAS BEEN DISCHARGED!

Yep...Kelli is back at the Dirt Farm, and feeling very very well!

But...our departure is bittersweet...we had to leave the girls back at the hospital in the NICU. It was very tough leaving the girls in the hospital as we left, but they are best served by being there with the incredible staff at Presby Plano. They are really incredibly talented and we are blessed to have them caring for Maddie and Izzie...the two cutest girls in the universe.

So....that being said...we are home, we are safe, we are healing, and we miss the girls...but we will be up there feeding them, changing there diapers, checking their temps, and doing all we can to be the best parents we can...even if they poo all over Daddy as he's changing diapers (yes, that has already occurred...and really, I'm fine with it...because it's such cute poo).

Serioulsy, thanks to EVERYONE who supported us in prayer, kind thoughts, hopeful thinking, hospital visits, gifts, flowers, and everything else.

Without you, we never would have made it.

Like I've always said, we are blessed beyond what we deserve. May God continue to bless you and your families. From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you, and if there is anything we can ever do for you, please don't hesitate to let us know. We may be a little tired, but we'll be there.

Thanks for stopping by.

Post 26

2008-01-08T23:35:00.000-06:00

Update...

Everyone is doing well! Madeline Hope Karr and Isabelle Grace Karr (yes, we picked middle names!) are both doing very well and have been promoted to the Feeders and Growers pod on the NICU floor which is very good. They are both co-bedded and are really doing well. Tomorrow we are going to try some feeding to see if they can feed without the tube (that's what you see sticking in their noses). Mom's milk has come in, which is perfect timing for the girls (way to go MOM!!)

It's amazing how tough they are....the reality is that they are doing things that most babies wouldn't be expected to do for another 6 weeks. They are preemies, but are maturing quickly.

My other favorite girl, Kelli, is healing quickly too. She even walked down to the NICU today which is amazing considering that a couple of days ago I was watching the doctors trying to keep my wife's insides on the inside. That woman is my hero.

...and, in case you were wondering what life was all about....see below.

Snuggle time with Isabelle....life is good.

Post 25

2008-01-07T16:15:00.000-06:00

Update:

Mom is healing nicely and is up and walking around.

The girls are breathing on their own, off antibiotics, and are actually sleeping in the same bed. Both are doing very well and will start on mom's milk tomorrow.

Here are some pics. They are too cute.

This is Isabelle.

...and this is Madeline.

Post 24

2008-01-06T17:42:00.000-06:00

Ok gang...I just talked to Little Madeline, and she wanted me to tell you that she is no longer on her "pig-nose" CPAP machine and is breathing on her own.

To that, Kelli just provided her first load of baby milk to M and I....things happen pretty quickly around here at The Dirt Farm, Plano Annex.

We are blessed....and of course we're awesome.

Thanks for stopping by.

Also...we've uploaded a big pile of pics HERE

.

Enjoy.

Post 23

2008-01-06T12:36:00.000-06:00

THE DEUCE ARE LOOSE!!! At 34 WEEKS!

Yes, we have BABIES!! They arrived this morning at 8:04am. We had an 8:00 appointment scheduled but someone (me) couldn't figure out how to get the face mask on right. After the 7th time...I finally got it right. I know...you know....I'm not that bright. I also tore my shoe cover apart putting it on....I WAS EXCITED.

Kelli did great! We had a c-section so she never really felt any contractions nor pain to speak of...very blessed indeed.

so....

Madeline is our small baby at 4 lbs 6 oz and 16.25 inches. She has the CPAP mask on here little face.

Isabel is the big sister at 5lbs and 17 inches long. She is our "What's Up?" baby...(see if you can figure out what picture I'm referring to)

...and no, we don't have middle names picked out yet.

Just wanted to let everyone know!

Mom is doing great and the babies, even though they are in NICU, are doing very well.

Just wanted to keep everyone posted.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

Thanks for stopping by.

We will keep you updated!

Post 22

2008-01-05T21:29:00.000-06:00

Ok team...Kelli's water just broke....so...looks like we are going in for some monitoring.

We will more than likely have babies soon!

At 34 weeks....everything looks good.

Stay tuned for more details.

Post 21

2007-12-28T23:27:00.000-06:00

Hey there!

Just thought I'd drop everyone a line to let you know what's going down here at the PP, Tower B, Room 354...also known as the Dirt Farm, Plano branch.

Today Kelli had a new sonogram done by Dr. Albert, the high-risk OB, and her cervix is still shortening, but it's becoming less of an issue because the girls keep growing, and she isn't experiencing contractions of any meaningful duration (they have to be over 40 seconds in duration to be considered a true contraction, and right now they're about 20 seconds, and only hit every few hours). Today the girls weigh in at 4lbs 10oz, and the other is at 4lbs 1oz. By the way, I have no idea how they determine their weights, but I blindly accept this information like it's true. Who knows? Bottom line, the Deuce are doing well and so is Kelli.

Eventually, if we keep going down this very pleasant path, then the girls will have grown too large for the cervix shortening to be an issue, and Kelli may be allowed to return to the Dirt Farm.

Evidently the bedrest is working, and more likely, the tremendous amount of kind thoughts and prayers being sent our way is working....and for that, we thank everyone!

So...for us, it's a process. Charlie is with his Aunt Derrel, which I am sure he's loving every minute of as he is treated like the King of All There Ever Was and Ever Will Be. Derrel is the greatest!

I have been appointed Interim Head of Dirt Farm Operations in Kelli's absence. I've managed to put away all the Christmas stuff, done all the laundry, cleaned all the rooms, cleaned out the frig, gone grocery shopping, and made Kelli a few dinners. Like I said in an earlier post...this is great training for when the Deuce make it into our little world. The ol' place is lonely without my two favorite peeps, but hey, it's a process, and a temporary one at that.

So far we've had soooo many people come up to the hospital that it's been great for Kelli and for me too! We had Christmas early up here with Kelli's family, and we had our own little Christmas up here together. Santa found us, even in the hospital. So many of Kelli's friends have come up to see her, and we've been bribing the nurses with food to keep them on our good side. We seem to be the floor favorites, but I'm sure that's only because we're about the only risk-free set of babies on the floor. They say the mood up here is generally good for all the families up here, but when it's bad...it's really bad. Please say a prayer for the families up here who have it so much harder than we do. I think they're about 20 or so families on the high-risk OB floor here at the PP.

Thanks for all the wonderful visits, cards, emails, calls, and prayers. We are blessed beyond what we deserve.

Better close for now....I will keep this updated more often in light of present circumstances. We should know more about our status here on Monday, when Kelli sees Dr. G.

Thanks for stopping by.

Post 20

2007-12-23T21:59:00.001-06:00

Just thought we'd include a video we made here while on bedrest.

Now what are we going to do?

All is well here.

Post 19

2007-12-22T20:20:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas!

We've got new digs!

Exciting news....we have moved to Plano! Plano Presbyterian Hospital that is...

I know...but Kelli is really doing well, is in no pain, and is resting, resting, resting.

Here's the story.

She has been on home bedrest since December 11 (yes, that's her birthday) and last Thursday, at 1pm, we went to see her doctor for our weekly sonogram of the Deuce and to check the K-Pod out.

Last time we went, on the 11th, the doctor saw that her cervix was shortening and put her on immediate bedrest. The idea being that laying down all the time reduces gravity's pull of the Deuce on the cervix, thus, slowing down the shortening of the cervix and generally discouraging the Deuce from wanting to come out. Fairly simple really...go horizontal to keep them from coming out.

So, we went back last Thursday to check out the cervix, and theoretically, the cervix should have stopped shortening being that the Duece were no longer being pulled downward (bedrest=Kelli is horizontal). Well guess what? The cervix had actually continued to shorten (from 17cm to 12cm) quite a bit. What this means is that for some reason, her body is wanting to give birth (well there ARE over 8lbs worth of babies in there), so she needs to be in a hospital under strict observation, rather than being stuck out at the Dirt Farm.

This is smart thinking.

So...the doctors had initially predicted we would be here for about 6 weeks, which is a long long time, however, after her last appointment with the high-risk OB, it turns out we should be expecting the Deuce around the first or second week of January.

So....the Deuce are set to arrive around January 6 or shortly thereafter.

We are very excited as you can imagine.

Some info:

We are at Plano Presbyterian Hospital at Parker and the Dallas North Tollway, in Room 355. The phone number to the room is 972-981-7355, and Kelli is here all day and all night. Visiting Hours are 11:30am to 9:30pm.

Kelli is not on strict bedrest, which means she can get up and go to the potty and can take a shower but that is about it!

This is tremendous...and I will tell you, we have gained some perspective since we "checked in".

On Thursday night, our first night here, Kelli's sister Terri was up here with her husband John and son Chandler, and we boys decided to go have a look at some of the new babies in "The Fishbowl". We walked up as two twin girls were just coming in (they had been born 10 minutes before, so they were right out of the oven). The mother who had just given birth to them HAD BEEN ON BEDREST FOR 26 WEEKS!!!!!

That's right kids, that's 6 1/2 months.

...and check this out....the babies that were born on Thursday night had the EXACT SAME NAMES AS THE DEUCE! Can you believe that? Who would have imagined two sets of twins in the same hospital both named Han Solo and Chewbacca? We may have to think about some different names.

Most of the people on the floor have been here for many many weeks and/or months...so we are the easy cheesey folks on the floor. There are about 12 women here on bedrest.

...and we received some great news Friday...the high-risk OB saw the Deuce practicing their breathing on the sono, and even made Baby A kick, and rubbed her back and made her stretch out...all very good signs. He said that if they popped out today, there would be a 98% chance that they'd be fine and wouldn't have to go to the neonatal ICU, which is HUGE NEWS!

So...we are on the right track here. Keep those good thoughts and prayers coming. Things are very positive and Kelli is in very high spirits.

We have been doing our best to make this place feel like home for K-Pac. We have two Christmas trees in the room (one is a real tree and the other is bright silver with red balls), and we also have Santa stockings up and a big red ribbon on the door. All thanks to Kelli's family...they are so so so sweet to us.

Today we had Christmas with her family, and had a big Christmas dinner and watched home movies...and had a beer too (don't tell the nurses). So far it's been pretty good...and most importantly, Kelli is doing really well and the babies are doing really well too.

So that's it...not too much funny stuff this time around, but we wanted to keep everyone updated as to what was going on on our little world.

Again, thanks for the kind thoughts and prayers being sent our way....God has truly blessed our little family, and I hope yours is too.

Merry Christmas!

...and now for some fun pics...

We miss our little Charlie dog. Luckily Aunt Derrel has him and I'm sure he's being spoiled.

Kelli's doing pretty well in her new home.

John and Terri at our Christmas dinner. We had fun!

Thanks for stopping by.

Post 18

2007-12-17T21:20:00.000-06:00

"I can't lay all the way back when I'm burping, dear, because it makes me want to throw up"

Shakespeare? No.
Part of a sonnet by Yeats? No.
The sweet musical stylings of Def Leppard? No.

The cooing of my pregnant wife while she struggles through Day 6 of bed rest? Why yes indeed.

That's right folks! Kelli is on BED REST....and yes, it's so tough on my K-Ped.

...and I'm not talking about just-sit-around-and-watch-tv Bed Rest...I mean, it's TOTAL BED REST. Full horizontal...laying down...only up for pee and feeding.

Actually, Kelli is doing fine, it's just that her cervix is shortening (it's called "funnelling") not effacing, which is when your cervix becomes thinner ( I know...I don't even know what a cervix is either).

This is normal, of course, but it's just that Kelli is doing all this a couple of weeks early, so....we've got to go on bed rest ( I say WE but it's not ME).

So, you have a short cervix...big deal, we all know it's not the length of your cervix, per se, but how you use it, that's important.

So....bed rest is alot of fun...watching TV, reading, surfing the internet, letting Charlie lay on you like a personal Sealy Posturepedic....

Also, thanks to everyone who has called Kelli and have come by to visit her. She LOVES to have visitors and to receive calls. Really...thanks...it keeps her sane, which keeps me sane.

Bed Rest for Kelli means that there is NO REST for Mr. David....which is fine because it's the least I could do for my baby...but dude, it's a lot of stuff. Christmas shopping, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning....my manicure is already starting to wear off....this is ridiculous.

But really, it's kinda fun for me because I feel like I'm on a mission now. I mean, I am unstoppable...I have a purpose. I cook, I clean, I'm lean (not really...) and I'm mean (yes Sara, I know I'm mean now), I fight skunk smells wherever they are found....I am...Super Dirt Farmer!

I have learned a few things about myself while Kelli's been on bed rest. My Top 15 are:

1) I can do stuff...as long as we do it my way.
2) I'm a big baby.
3) Grocery shopping is actually okay if you just g o s l o w a n d b r o w s e . There are a lot of kinds of canned tomato things...paste, sauce, diced, sliced, whole...good grief. Not even peaches get this much attention, and peaches taste a thousand times better than tomatoes.
4) I like kitchen soaps that smell really flowery (that Mexican soap is awesome...but probably contains jet fuel or something.)
5) The Microwave Oven is one of the finest inventions of the 20th century.
6) I hate to put up clothes...washing..ok, drying...ok, folding...ok, but I fail miserably at the put up. Man I hate the put up.
7) I'm good at loading the dishwasher, and actually don't mind loading or putting up the dishes, excepts for the pots and pans. Why are dishwashers so loud? Seriously...can we get this technology fixed?
8) I'm glad we have a maid to wash stuff like the bathroom floor and the shower....those places are horribly nasty...which doesn't really say much about my own cleanliness. Of course I blame Kelli. She's filthy. You know this.
9) I cannot fold fitted sheets....I suppose there is a way to do it, but I don't know how to do it. Bonus....I don't care if there is a way...my head is too full....no room left for knowing how to fold a fitted sheet. To hell with it. I hate you fitted sheet. A lot.
10) If you wash a red towel in a load of whites, the whites will turn pink. Also, if you think you're some kind of smart guy and pour a bunch of bleach in the whites after they have turned pink, thinking they will turn back to white, you are wrong. Bleach just turns things yellow. So, just deal with pink things like I have....like underwear...which are now yellow.
11) If you buy your wife a recliner in her 5th month of pregnancy because you predicted that she will really want to sit in a recliner as she gets larger month by month...you are a genius. Congratulations, you may be granted a spot in the Husband Hall of Fame.
12) After the babies come, the recliner can go in your office in the new house and can be used for reading and naps. Again, you are a genius....but not that much of one because with the Deuce, there will be no sleeping. Close but not close enough.
13) The amount of toilet paper that is used in this house now is roughly equivalent to the amount of toilet paper used by the entire city of Rio de Janeiro last year. We are actually looking into purchasing technology that will allow us to make our own toilet paper. Again...genius.
14) When your wife is laying down and you are up decorating the Christmas tree, and you run across some ornaments that you never really liked....just keep them in the box and don't put them up....she will never know, unless you post what you have done on a very popular blog. If you do this, then you are not smart.
15) When your wife is pregnant, and wants to watch the movie, The Notebook, do not let her watch it. This movie is what I call a "cry-generator". Almost every scene in this movie causes extreme crying in pregnant women, especially those named Kelli Karr. Trust me, ban this movie from your tv room...it is not fun.

That's it....my top 15 things I've learned since Kelli went on bed rest.

..and speaking of bed rest, it's time for me to get some rest myself.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope we talk to you very soon.

Babies will be here in 6 or 7 weeks. Can't wait! Love those babies...

Have a Merry Christmas, and may your life and the lives of your family members be as blessed as ours have been this year.

Thank you for being our friends and caring and praying for us. You all are too wonderful for words, and are so much better friends than we deserve.

We love you and if we can ever do anything for you, please don't hesitate to let us know.

--D and K and CB and the Deuce.

Post 17

2007-12-10T18:21:00.000-06:00

The Belly ---now appearing...almost LIVE!

Doesn't she just look awesome!

Sooooo many people say that Kelli's Belly looks so little.....

BUT....

Per the K-Dog, and I quote, "For those of you that think my belly is so little....TRY CARRYING IT AROUND ALL DAY"

Isn't she cute...like a little rabid badger?

Check out CB in his new Christmas sweater with his green squeaky bone (which he broke within the first 5 minutes of having it....go figure).

Charlie rocks. 'Nuf said.

Thanks for stopping by.

Post 16

2007-12-03T19:35:00.000-06:00

9 Weeks.

That's right, we have 9 weeks to go.

That means that in 9 weeks, we will have two little micros here on the dirt farm cranking through diapers, blankets, wipes, and God knows what else. I better stock up on beer.

Lord have mercy on us.

I had always heard that pregnant couples get to this point where they realize that the BABIES WILL BE COMING SOON, and the notion that there will indeed be babies living with you moves from a "long ways away" time to a hard reality that yes, the babies are indeed going to be here...soon....yessirree...they are definitely going to be here. The clock is ticking.

For me, that time was this weekend.

We went to BRU (Babies-R-Us, for those not having experienced the wonder that it is) and it was different from the last time we were there. There was a very real sense of urgency this time.

It's kinda like what it might be like to visit the grocery store knowing there is a Category 5 hurricane bearing down on you, and there you are, in the store, not just looking for some different kind of croutons like you did last week, but searching for the things you need to SURVIVE! Yes, that's what it was like....we needed to get the stuff we will need to MAKE IT THROUGH.

It was a little nerve-racking....and guess what? Fear makes you learn very quickly.

I am learning more every day about this baby stuff.

For instance, did you know that onesies are basically underwear for babies? I didn't know that until this weekend. I thought it was a shirt/shorts combo deal, but turns out it's an underwear. So if you see a baby walking around your office in a onesie, you could say "Hey you're in your underwear baby" and you'd be right...because it's underwear...not a shirt.

I think it'd be cool if they made men's clothes like that...if they made a nice dress shirt or, really, any kind of shirt, where at the bottom, it turned into an underwear. That'd be genius. That's Nobel Prize material right there folks. You'd never have any problems with your shirt coming untucked and you could get dressed in the morning that much faster. Yes, we need men's onesies. All you'd need are a onesie and a pants and shazam....you're done bro. You're ready to roll. I hope you knuckleheads at Dockers are reading this blog because it's a gold mine. First we had the expando-belt and now the men's onesie. I am an idea factory!

I also learned that baby sizes are weird. For instance, did you know that baby clothes are sized by year, not by some actual physical unit of measurement like inches? What's even weirder is that a very small onesie is a size "0 to 6 months"....BUT....a size "Newborn" onesie is even smaller.

So what this means is that Newborn is actually younger than 0 (zero) months old, which frankly blows my mind a little. If you ask me, I'd say that anything less than 0 months old is PRE-BORN, not newborn. Seriously, unless Kelli was with me and she told me to go get a onesie for the new babies, I'd get "0 to 6 months" size onesie because, guess what, that is the age range our little punkin' heads fit into....not less than zero. For those of you familiar with our friend the Number Line, less than zero is negative.

Stupid baby clothes people. Quit making things hard on people who aren't getting any sleep anyway.

LIke I said, learning baby stuff is fun. Last week we went to baby class (Twins Class) and I learned that 1) the best way to hold your baby while you're walking is to hold her like a football, which I did NOT know, and I also learned that 2) the reason they have so many types of bottle nipples at the BRU is that the idea is to buy a bottle nipple that is shaped like Mama's real-life nipple, so the baby is fooled into thinking that it's really Mama, and not a bottle. Clearly, this is brilliant.

I had no idea! Of course, now I understand why they have this giant wall of bottle nipples at the BRU! When we went to BRU for the first time, there were all these women just staring at the wall of nipples, really analyzing and studying the nipples and there I was wondering "What the heck are they staring at? Aren't they all the same?" Well no, they are not.

Which leads me to think...if Mom's needed a nipple-matching expert, why didn't they bring good ol' Dad in to match the nipples up? No one looks at his wife's boobs more than Dad. Like I said...I'm an idea factory.....and at this rate, will probably be writing this next post from jail if I keep this up.

So....how was your Thanksgiving? We went up to Missouri to visit the fam damily. Everybody is doing well, meaning, they're all as nuts as they ever were.

We had a lot of fun visiting and yammering, and Mamaw had a great time whipping our butts at ChickenFoot every night. Personally I think she's using loaded dominoes. We set Mom's wireless router up for her laptop, then broke into her neighbor's wireless network, which he had so preciously named "Jeff'sB*tch" (very nice!) and in the morning, everyone enjoyed taking 2 minute showers before the water got cold. Oh well....it works ok...one day you wash the top, and the next day you wash the bottom.

We went into town and hunted for antiques, met some weird people at the fudge/stained glass store who were vociferously arguing about the merits of applying your own coloring to white Christmas light bulbs, or just going to WalMart for "store-colored" lights (yes, it was riveting and scary all at the same time), we put up some smoke detectors for Mamaw (and tested them), then watched the neighbor get his 4-wheeler repossessed by the bank. We also took some serious naps on the La-Z-Boy in the living room. It was awesome....I love my family....they are some very wonderfully nice people, which makes me wonder how I turned out how I did. Oh well, even statistics allows for errors every now and then.

Charles is doing well. Kelli and I drove up with Charlie and of course, Charlie never ONCE offered to drive. He just expects us to chaeufeur him around wherever we go. Whatever. I'm so sick of his a-hole attitude. Seriously....can't you even offer? All he does is sleep and go potty....oh wait, that's Kelli.

Speaking of pets...they made us watch the dreaded Multiple Birth Video in the baby class.

Some things aren't meant to be filmed.

I know, they say it's a miracle, and I suppose it is. I was thinking it was a miracle the kids even made it through the thick jungle forest if you know what I mean...and then one of the girls in the class cleverly asked if they shave you before the birth! Hello! If that woman on the video was post-shave, then we just saw the first ever Sasquatch live birth ever recorded. Good grief woman...can I get a bottle of Nair, STAT! Grrrrr-illa!

Oh that was horrible.... I know.....but it was funny for me.

Sasquatch...that's just funny. I can't get it out of my mind...

Anywho....learning stuff about babies is fun.

So how's Kelli doing? Kelli is doing great! Sure she's tired and miserable, and has heartburn and feels like a blimp, but that's what we call "normal" around here. She really looks great....feels poorly, but looks awesome.

We're at the point where we just sit around and watch the Deuce move around in her belly all the time. That is some freaky-deeky stuff. They are both about 2lbs 9 oz each, and are symmetrical, healthy babies. We are blessed by God beyond what we deserve. Truly, it is a miracle.

So it's getting late, and it's time for me to hit the sack so I can wake back up when Kelli gets up to pee every hour. Poor devil...and poor Kelli too. :)

We will get a belly pic up here tomorrow, and maybe I can tell some funny stories about how she can't pick anything up off the floor anymore because she's my little personal Santa.

Thanks for stopping by.

Post 15

2007-11-15T19:57:00.000-06:00

I know, I suck....I'm a terrible blogger. Are you happy now? They say the first step towards solving your problem is admitting that you have one. So, ok, I have a blog problem.

So how's Kelli and the Barbi Twins?

Everybody is doing AWESOME! She's so healthy, and the babies are doing great. We couldn't be happier...AND....THANK YOU ALL FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL GIFTS!

The Dirt Farm is filled with soft, pink, fuzzy micro-sized shirts and super micro socks, and gallons of pretty-smelling purple and pink liquids meant for washing baby butts and bodies. We have little ducks that tell you if the bath water is too hot, and SO MANY beautiful hand-made blankets and clothes. We are soooo blessed with such wonderful friends.

That being said, let me say, THANK YOU from all of us, except for Charlie. He can't quite figure out why all these soft squishy things aren't toys for him to chew on and carry around like his own babies. He's so selfish...of course, you know this already.

Seriously, we have so much stuff! It's awesome, and yes, it's TWO OF EVERYTHING! I can tell this is going to be a challenge. I'm sure the girls are going to require TWO OF EVERYTHING! Two Big Wheels, two prom dresses, two college educations, two drill presses....good grief!

Well....what have WE been up to?

Not much. I've become quite the Susy Homemaker around here! I've even started drawing my own baths at night and have learned to brush my own hair before bed. I know, you'd think I'd feel like some sort of animal or something doing all that, but it's not that bad. Kelli has even asked that I brush my own clothing for lint. I know...the sacrifices I make for my girls!

I've even begun cooking a little, and last Saturday, I decided to make stew! Yes, gourmet right from the start. The Frito-Pie went so well earlier in the week that I used the stew as sort of a stretch-goal. I pushed myself to the edge. This is extreme stew-making.

Kelli bought the meat earlier in the week, and I went to the Roanoke Wal-Mart to go grocery shopping for the rest of the ingredients which is not just water like I initially thought...all by myself. It was weird, well, being in the store for more than 15 minutes was weird. I started out in the section of the store I'm most comfortable with, the parking lot, then worked my way forward into the store. I'm a brave guy, I know.

I actually saw a lot of men there by themselves, which was comforting. Of course, those guys were weenies and I was the Wal-Mart Man Cool Guy, but hey, they need a dream too.
I admit, it was weird, because I usually just push the cart and try to talk Kelli into buying stuff like olives and weird mustards and other man delicacies (radishes!), but this time, it was all business. I had to get groceries for the girls! So...I pushed on into the store. It worked out ok. After 90 minutes and $280, WE HAD GROCERIES! Actually, we had a bit too many groceries...but heck, I figure we'll eat them...and those spicy mustard-filled olives are awesome!

So...back to the stew.

Turns out, cooking's not so bad, especially stew. I mean, stew is like the garbage dump of dishes. If you cut a few too many carrots for the stew, well WHO CARES? It's not like anybody's going to notice. So, like I said, cooking is pretty easy....EXCEPT IF YOU'RE COOKING AT THE DIRT FARM.

Let's start earlier in the day.

See, our bathtub hasn't been draining so well lately, mainly because 1) Kelli has a ton of long beautiful super-fox blonde hair and it goes down the drain and 2) I'm covered in disgusting short black curly body hair and it goes down the drain...so....over time our drain has started collecting this hair mass, along with soapy nasty disgusting stuff...well, you get the picture....our drain is stopped up.

So, since I'm the FIX-IT GUY, I gotta fix it...and I tried pushing wire, water, etc. down the drain pipe to unclog the nasty hair plug, and then I thought "Why don't you just suck it out with the Shop Vac?". SO....I hooked up the Shop Vac, which is one of the finest inventions of the last 75 years, and VOILA! I sucked up the hairball, along with everything else that was under and around the nastiness...and I'm talking black water nasty nasty nasty nasty nasty stuff. But no problem...it was in the Shop Vac. AND...the tub drains now! Woo hoo!

So I rolled the Shop Vac on to the back patio and thought, "I'll clean this thing up later" and disconnected the hose and set is aside.

Back to the stew (I know....hang with me on this)....

So, fast forward a few hours, I'm back from Freak Zone, I mean, Wal-Mart, and I'm cutting up veggies to put in the stew (K-Fed's taking a nap...SURPRISE!) and I go to wash all the potato peelings down the garbage disposal....LIKE I SAID....I'm a cook now!

Well the potato peelings are having a hard time going down the drain so I open the cabinet doors under the sink to check it out (cuz I'm the FIX-IT guy, of course). Everything LOOKS alright (this is Phase 1 of the FIX-IT GUY analysis, by the way) and I immediately go into Phase 2 of the FIX-IT GUY process, which is....I jiggle the garbage disposal motor. Still...it looks ok.

So I turn it back on, cabinet doors WIDE open, and BLAM! The garbage disposal EXPLODES! I mean, it looked like a potato/carrots/crap bomb went off...there was sh*t everywhere! Literally, it explodes!

Of course, a steady stream of expletives come shooting out of my mouth, and guess who decides to see how Chef Karr is doing, but Ms. Napaholic Santa Girl! So K-Fed comes walking in, to see the potato shrapnel that is covering the Dave Karr legs, my socks, the frig, all the cleaning supplies and old flower vases under the sink, the floor, the ceiling, the cabinets, and everything else that didn't have time to take cover during the explosion. She immediately goes into ACTION mode and begins laughing her a$$ off, which triggers me to also begin laughing mine off too. Oh well, so much for my cooking career.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

So, we start cleaning EVERYTHING because EVERYTHING is covered in potato poo, and I decide..."Hey, let's get the Shop Vac out to suck all this nastiness up!" So, I go out back to get the Shop Vac I had used earlier in the day on the tub, hook up the hose I had disconnected, then turn on the Shop Vac.

Turns out that was a bad move on my part.

You see, Shop Vacs, depending on how you hook up the hose, can either SUCK air or they can BLOW air. What we desired was that the Shop Vac SUCK air and potato poo, but WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED was that the Shop Vac started BLOWING...and what did it BLOW? Why of course, all the nasty hairball/soapscum black water nastiness that I had sucked out of the tub earlier...yes....I turned on the Shop Vac and began spraying bathtub sewage all over the kitchen! Good grief! Could it get any worse?!!!! Lord have mercy!

Turns out, the potato mess didn't look half as bad as the potato poo/bathtub hairball/sewage mess I had sprayed all over the kitchen....and in the kitchen no less....oh what a mess....and the smell...it rocked!

Oh that was HORRIBLE....but we had quite a laugh about it. I cracked open a beer and started the clean up. Man oh man, the life of a Fix-It-Guy/Awesome Cook is tough.

Kelli was pretty good about it, and she only gave me a warning and didn't take away my Man License nor my Cooking Learner's Permit. I got off easy.

So....life is fun at the Dirt Farm. We figure, it's not a party until something gets broken....and man we broke plenty of stuff last weekend.

I will close with that....Kelli's doing great and so are the babies...

We're blessed...and yes, we finally got the kitchen cleaned up, and the stew was delicious!

Thanks for stopping by...we will hopefully talk to you sooner than last time.

Post 14

2007-10-26T20:10:00.000-05:00

Hey there blog people!

What's up in your little world?

Mine, well, all we think about are babies. For instance, did you know that babies use on average 8 diapers per day? So.........with twins, that's 16 per day (yes, I did that without a calculator). So, a large pack of diapers is around 64 diapers and 64 / 16 = 4...which means that a large pack of diapers will only last 4 days at our house. So....that's about $20 for a pack of 64, which translates into $5 per day in diapers. This is the kind of stuff I think about, because I'm the provider. $5 per day doesn't seem like a lot, I know, but it's about $150 per month or $1800 per year, which is probably the amount of money Kelli and I spend on going out to eat......so.....this puts things in perspective.

See, what I need is perspective. Because I don't know how this baby(ies) thing is going to go down. We have too many unknowns going simultaneously, and everyone knows that you can only solve for a certain number of variables with that exact number of equations (well only engineering nerds like me who write blogs...and not very well I might add...but I don't have to tell you that).

ASIDE: Prepare for a classic DK rant....

Have you ever had one of those days where your typing just totally SUCKED? Well today is that day for me. Whatever happened to this whole speech recognition deal? That stuff came out about 15 years ago and it's gone NOWHERE! What's the deal? Are the keyboard people keeping the speech recognition people down? It's friggin BS if you ask me....I swear I'm the only person in the world who hits the backspace key more than the spacebar. To you speech recognition guys, listen up....GET IT TOGETHER! By the way, on my voice-activated GPS (yes I know I am a spoiled child so big deal) when I say "DALLAS" I do not mean "ALICE". No one EVER says into their GPS the word "ALICE" and no one with a GPS ever is going to go to ALICE...so just erase ALICE from the database you bugholds. Back to typing, I should have taken typing in high school. Bad move on my part. Instead, I took Business Data Processing class, which was some sort of program-writing class which requires, ironically, a tremendous amount of typing. Like I'm going to write software...the 80's were such a mess. "Oh yes class, in the future you will write software and programs to do your work for you." Oh that's a great idea! Instead of doing work, let's write programs (which is work by the way) so we can do our work. Why did they try to sell that idea to us? I think my biggest software writing victory was being able to spell my name all across my screen on the Radio Shack TRS-80, that probably cost my school about $8000. Nowadays we wouldn't even sit our drinks on a computer like that (well I might). ...and turns out all this computering and internet technology that took 30 years to develop is used mainly so people can hook-up online, look at nekked pictures of people, and buy stuff. Jeez...that was worth it.

I wish someone would have just sat me down and told me this "Ok, here's the deal...go to college and get a Bachelor's degree in the easiest thing you can think of, then go to law school" That is genius...and even if you don't practice law, people still think "Oh, he has a law degree....wow!" Going to engineering school was such a whip, especially when, after you spent four years memorizing formulas and all this stupid stuff like LaPlace Transforms and soil mechanics, they give you a big Reference Book and tell you, "Here ding-dong, all the crap you learned is in this book...this is all you need". Poor engineers.......destined to be tortured in school, only to find out that the ditzy good-looking business college guys make more money than you and the hardest thing they had to study was accounting (hey guys, it's plus and minus....and I don' teven need a calculator for that). Oh well....turns out it was all for the best for me...I've got two little babies coming and all is right in the world....see, it all comes back to babies around here.

Ok...no more random aside rambling...

END OF ASIDE:

Back to perspective. You see, Kelli and I like to be in charge of our destiny, and right now we've got a new house being built, over which we have almost no control, and two babies cooking up in my little at-home Santa Claus kit, over which we have almost no control. The other piece of this is that all of these developments are what I call negative cashflow operations. These things have absolutely no, or very little, return on equity (at least cash equity). I know, you have untangibles like love and stuff, but this is a cash-on-cash analysis. Now if we knew that we had two future world class highly-paid female athletes on our hands, growing in the Santa Claus, then this wouldn't be such a nervous proposition....and with the house, well, we can always burn it down and get paid more for it than what we paid (you can see that I have it all planned out).

OF COURSE I'M ONLY KIDDING! I would never do that...as far as you know.

So, we are experiencing a little anxiety over the arrival of the Deuce, which is to be expected I am sure (see...this is perspective). What we are experiencing is I'm sure very normal, however I am quite certain that not many pregnant moms-to-be have to deal with a nutball psycho-britches like me. Hey, at least it's entertaining around here at Sticker Patch Manor, aka, the Dirt Farm.

...and where else but at the Dirt Farm would you find yours truly walking around the Dirt Farm yard wearing a robe and loafers, armed with a giant 10-gigawatt mega flashlight looking for skunks, at 3 in the morning? Still haven't found those SOBs, but I can smell 'em, and I'm not afraid of them either so don't even try that on me. Darn skunks.

Why was I up, pray tell? Well, because K-Sweet was up filling her body with dangerous steroids. Yes, that's right folks, Kelli's 'roiding out. She's looking FIERCE too. She is ripped. Last night she pulled a Kerry Von Erich Body Slam on me and then put the dreaded Sleeper Hold on me. That's the last time I will pull that loud-gum-chewin too....I've learned my lesson for good. Yes, it's Roid Rage on the Dirt Farm.

Just kidding, but it's funny for me to imagine her in her sweaty curly mullet picking me up over her head and slamming me through the Dirt Farm House wood floor. I'd pay money to see that in person. I'm still laughing.

Actually, my little punkin' head has Iritis. Yes, the dreaded Iritis. It's an auto-immune disease where the iris swells up because her own white blood cells are attacking her iris, and the swelling irritates the cornea, which in turn irritates the sh*t out of Kelli. She's had it for about 3 weeks and we've been to more Chinese eye doctors than you can pay a $40 co-pay to. You know, if you want me to feel good about having my sick pregnant wife miserable and me having to see you 3 times a week and pay you $40 each time, then don't park your friggin' Chinese eye doctor Porsche 911 Turbo right at the front door in your reserved spot. Friggin eye doctor.......good grief...only 4 more years of school. What was I thinking?

The last Chinese eye doctor we went to, Dr. Hu, to whom we were referred by Dr. Chu, and his wife Dr. Chu, and his mom, also Dr. Chu (no, I'm not making this up, and yes, that's a bunch of Chu's), told Kelli she had to put a drop of this steroid eye drop solution in her eye every hour, FOR 48 HOURS. That's right kids, every hour she gets up, puts in a drop, pinches her tear duct closed for 3 minutes, then waits 57 minutes to do it all over again....and by the way, SHE'S PREGNANT WITH TWINS! Come on God....can we lighten up on Kelli for a little here?

She's a champ, I tell ya. She is one tough hombre and I love her, and I'm in awe of her strength, I truly am. She withstood the needles in the legs, in the stomach, and in the booty, just so we could GET PREGNANT, then go through all this eye stuff, all while lugging around the Deuce, well, she deserves a medal. She's too good for me I tell you. But of course you already new that.

She's a special girl....and yes I am really only saying that because she's on the juice. She's fierce I tell you, FIERCE!

Anywho, other than that, Kelli is doing great. The babies are healthy, symmetrical, and usually standing on Kelli's bladder, which is hell on her and hell on our toilet paper supply.

Better log off for now.

Thanks for stopping by.

Here's a Six Month Belly pic.

It's funny...they say that when you start being pregnant, you measure your time in weeks, then once you get past 6 months, you measure it in months, then at the very end, you're back to counting in weeks (the big countdown).

...and here's my little pregnant pirate sporting her homemade eye patch (thank you very much)

Poor devil. She is not happy. She's getting better now.

Post 13

2007-10-16T21:09:00.000-05:00

Hey there!

Well.....today we found out that Baby A is a GIRL!

So we have TWO BABY GIRLS ON THE WAY!

Woo Hoo! We are pumped.

.....and I am going to be poor, so poor.

So tonight we are tuned in to John & Kate plus 8.....and this is really good for us, because Dude! They've got a lot going on. There are kids everywhere...and she's mean too.

...and this belly she had...good grief! Her belly was INSANELY HUGE!

So we've got no problems that I can see as compared to these yo-yo's. Eight kids! Didn't they already have the TV show?

By the way, Dr. Garner told us that Kelli and the Deuce are doing great! Baby A weighs about 13 oz, about the weight of a can of beer, and Baby B is 15 oz, about the weight of a better can of beer. Kelli weighs about as much as three kegs of beer, and isn't nearly as fun at parties as 3 kegs of beer but...I digress. She gives good hugs though, and she's a fox.

Today we (I actually just sat there like I was watching TV, which is actually what I was doing) measured the Deuce's heads, their hearts, their brains, and other weird things I cannot spell. All very normal sizes and all very symmetrical, which is good because they say people with symmetrical features are more attractive than people who aren't...although I don't really know how you can see people's hearts without a sonograph machine or X-ray vision glasses. I gotta tell you, I'd like to play with the sonogram machine and look inside my own body. I'm fairly certain I could operate it, I mean, I can work an iPod and stuff. Next time I'm going to give it a shot.

Today I got in trouble for using the microscope on the doctor's desk to look at the photo paper they use for the sonogram machine while Kelli was having her blood pressure checked. I know, I'm a big help. I won't tell you what the doctor said they use that microscope to look at, but she used the word "mucousa" and the other word was "vaginal" so...I stopped using the microscope.

Remind me to boil my face and hands later tonight.

SO...how's Kelli's doing? She's doing great! Yesterday we received her special order glider rocker chair thing (well actually we got it Saturday but got around to putting it in the Dirt Farm House yesterday). Pretty typical lag time for us. She is very excited as am I....I mean, I've barely been able to sleep knowing the special order glider rocker chair hadn't arrived yet. Finally, I can sleep. It's pretty nice but doesn't have an ottoman, which I am buying (although Kelli says I can't).

Anyway, back to Kelli (I just had to rub out a charlie-horse for her). She's doing pretty well, except for the random muscle spasms, round ligament pains, and general discomfort. I swear, good thing God doesn't ask you before you're born if you want to be a boy or a girl because, well, we'd all be sitting around farting and watching SportsCenter together...because being a girl is HARD!

Who would pick it? Periods, cramps, dealing with guys, wearing bras, peeing sitting down EVERY TIME, pregnancy, breast feeding, and the list goes on. Good grief, you women out there deserve a medal! (and I'm not just sucking up (well I am a little)). Again, being a girl is hard, at least it seems hard from my side of the fence.

So...Kelli's belly is growing BIG TIME...but it still looks very cute (and will always!). It's like hugging a Santa Clause all the time. Everything else is looking like it always did...super foxy and pretty. She's going to be such a sweet pretty mom....and I better keep that up, because soon she's going to have two more teammates and I've got nothing but a smile and smart-ass comments going for me.

Oh well....our family is on the way and I can't tell you how happy I am. Pink Pink Pink!

Better go....thanks for stopping by.

Also, if any of you have a Lay-Z-Boy Recliner you want to sell us, let me know. I suspect that by the time this thing's over with, we will have the Kelli-dog logging some serious butt-time in a recliner...and yes I'm serious. Lord knows she's earned it.

See ya.

Post 12

2007-10-08T21:06:00.000-05:00

Hey there!

How are you doing? We're doing pretty well. As you can see from the cute little baby picture countdown thingy, we are on week 21, which is pretty spooky for me because the Deuce will soon be loose....

Why is this spooky? Well, for me it means a 200% increase in the amount of people that actually rely on me to consistently provide a means to live, and this is pretty heavy stuff. Looking back on all the wonderful things I've had in my life, it seems a challenge to me that I provide the same wonderful things I experienced to my own children, Captain Awesome and Buttercup. Life is pretty hard on a lot of folks, and I don't know if it was just dumb luck, or more likely being blessed by God, that so far I've had a pretty good life. Of course I attribute this to a generous supply of charm and good looks, not to mention loads of humility...but seriously...it's been wonderful, and I'm sure it will be even more so with the Deuce loose in Sticker and Grasshopper land...but it is a little scary. I mean, I'm the Dad, and when I look back on my own experience with my own Dad, it means that YOU have to be able to FIX anything and know how to get out of any jam you're jammed up in....and I can certainly handle that. Fixing is definitely my strong suit....but it just bears down on you and it's certainly bearing down on me now. It's go time...and the Deuce are on the way.

I know...it will be fine...and I genuinely believe that as Kelli and I have been able to get ourselves through a lot of things....she's a wonderful woman and will be a wonderful mom (she already is...technically). I myself have a wonderful mom as does Kelli....I just hope I can be as good a Dad to the Deuce as my mom has been a great mom to me (and yes, still is, technically :) )

Ok, dry your eyes sissy pants.....

Sorry for not posting much lately...we've been stressed out with the new house, the new people growing inside Kelli's body...etc. BUT....we finalized the finish selections for the house (aren't we such spoiled children?) so THAT'S BEHIND US...now it's a big load of HURRY THE *&^% UP WITH THE HOUSE YOU KNUCKLEHEADS for our builder. Of course, as a few of you know, I've made my life's work out of telling people how to build buildings...and tonight, let's just say, you may want to say a little prayer for our superintendent because...well, you all know me and...let's just say when I feel the need for speed, YOU better feel it too, because the one thing I completely lack, besides intelligence, is any amount of PATIENCE.

So if you are reading this blog post Mr. Superintendent, my advice to you is this....put the laptop down and get your butt back to living and breathing and working on my Deuce House.

Ok...I'm good now. Deep breath, deep breath.

So...how's Kelli doing? She's doing really great! (I know, great is an adjective, not an adverb, and I should have used an adverb to describe how she feels, as an adverb is meant to modify verbs, not nouns, but saying Kelli feels GREATLY sounds stupid so....blow it our your participle if you don't like it....and yes, we really focus on grammar very intensely here at the Dirt Farm, mainly because we are very boring, boring people..well I am.)

Anywho...we had a big week last week...THE BELLY BUTTON HAS COME OUT OF ITS SKIN...literally....we are now an outty. This is very troubling because 1) how much bigger will the belly get? and 2) it's not much of a belly bumper if Kelli happens to run the Belly into something like a table, a desk, or a David Karr...there isn't much there to protect her. That's why we've decide that at all times, Kelli will be wearing a semi-inflated tractor tire innertube around her waist to prevent these types of belly-bump-accidents. As soon as we get her a pair of suspenders, we will be maxed for safety....and of course...SAFETY FIRST at the Dirt Farm.

Of course she's not really wearing this....but it's funny to imagine her with this on, don't you think? It is for me.

But why would I be bothered by these kinds of accidents? BECAUSE last week we had another interesting turn of events....THE BABIES ARE MOVING AND WE CAN SEE AND FEEL THEM MOVING INSIDE THE BELLY....

One word.....F R E A K Y D E A K Y !! (well maybe that's two)

Yes, this is really freaky...and what's funny is that Kelli's doctor, her friends, and other noted experts on babystuff, including numerous authors of many of the books in our Baby Book Library of Congress said that this would at first feel like a flutter....like a little angel kiss. Not so much with the Deuce. One day she was sitting on the green monster couch in her jammy bottoms and wife-beater and THUMP THUMP...they came a knockin'.

Now that's some pretty cool biology stuff going on...I mean, we saw these hombres when they had something like 8 cells each, and now they're pounding on the door looking for some food AND WE CAN SEE IT FROM OUTSIDE! Whoa!

They have become very demanding, which just goes to show they have definitely inherited some genes from the mom-unit. Kelli was taking a nap the other day (because she had been awake for over 45 minutes) and the Deuce decided IT'S TIME TO WAKE MOM UP FOR SOME CHOW. So rat-a-tat-tat....up came the K-Dog. I sense they are trying to 1) prepare us for when they arrive and 2) train us for some future monster chow sessions.

This has lead us to have some interesting conversations. First, we are having trouble with names....mainly BECAUSE ONE OF THOSE LITTLE ALIENS HAS REFUSED TO REVEAL WHAT TYPE OF PLUMBNG HE/SHE IS EQUIPPED WITH and two, we have started to wonder about what the babies will look like.

Kelli and I are biological opposites, like ebony and ivory, living in perfect harmony (or whatever you call this...by the way, isn't perfect harmony redundant...would you ever have imperfect harmony? Paul McCartney is an idiot).

Back to genetics....Kelli is a superhot superfox thin, athletic, blonde-hair blue-eyed Aryan superhuman-type, and I'm more of a scruffy, squatty, big-haired dim-witted husky brown-on- brown Mexican-without-a-sombrero type of person. (yes, I wore husky-fit Toughskins as a kid....and still have a butt that could pull a mule out of a ditch).

Mixing us up genetically could be all sorts of fun. I am hoping for a petite, tan skin, blue eyed girl and a strong-as-an-ox husky brute of a boy. I am hoping against hope that we don't get a strong as an ox husky girl, although this may get college paid for..HELLO WOMEN'S SHOTPUTTING. As for a wimpy petite little boy...I guess he could go into real estate.

Anyway...better close for now. We will get some more belly pics up here tomorrow. I've gotta go take a bath and have Kelli brush my hair before we go to bed. I'm so pampered.

Thanks for dropping by.

Oh, I took this picture on 635 in Dallas.....I am hoping to get a very similar set up for Kelli once the Deuce arrive.

What do you think? You can like?

Post 11

2007-09-26T21:29:00.000-05:00

Well kiddos.....we STILL don't know the sex of Baby A. Stubborn little bugger. We should know more in 3 weeks.

Yes, for those of you who are incredibly inconvenienced by this turn of events, we would like to issue a public apology for our child's very bad behavior. I'm sure we will have to get accustomed to uttering these kinds of apologies throughout the rest of our lives, and we can imagine that if the babies turn out anything like their father...well, let's just say we expected this type of behavior to start early...but maybe not this early.

Don't have much time to post much because it's very much past my bedtime, however, we thought you'd enjoy another belly pic of the Kelli Belly (that's a lot of muches and I'm very sorry for using so many muches in one sentence).

I have included some labels in the second photo in case you are biologically-challenged like I am.
Will talk more later....it's almost 10PM and Rockford Files is coming on.

G'night.

Post 10

2007-09-21T07:00:00.000-05:00

I know I know I know.....these posts aren't coming along as quickly as you'd like them to. I'm sorry. This week's been crazy crazy.

We're finally getting back into the swing of things at the dirt farm. It's fall in Texas, which is really nice...the temperatures drop to the cool mid-90's and it's nice to not have to wring out your underwear everytime you go outside for over 5 minutes. Aww the good life.

Living on the dirt farm has really been a blessing for us in that, 1) it's free (and if it's free, it's for me) and 2) it's like camping...which helps us to remember how great it is to live in a nice home with wonderful amenities like insulation in the walls and attic, windows that actually close, a yard with grass versus stickers, mole holes, and grasshoppers, and no lingering skunk smells throughout the inside and out. I tell ya...Kelli deserves a medal for this.

The new home will be super nice though...and we're very excited about getting it going (!). I think little Charlie will enjoy not having to have sticker-removal surgery performed on his little fuzzy feet every other night, and K and I will no doubt enjoy the absence of forests of sequoia-size ragweed bushes...man I can crank out some snoring.

So how's Kelli doing? She's doing really well. She's sensitive to smells lately, especially smells that emanate from my own personal activities, such as wine drinking. If I have a glass of wine on or near my person, I'm not allowed to sit on the couch with her. Oh well...she needs the space anyway. Evidently the small-dog smells coming from Charlie-dawg don't bother her...I guess that's the love of a mother for you.

Kelli's belly is so cute...and growing every day. Her belly button is an almost-outy, which is cute, and last week she declared to Charlie and I (to which we were stunned....so much that Charlie was speechless) that "OFFICIALLY NONE OF MY PANTS FIT ANYMORE!" So now you know....none of her pants fit anymore. Which is bad if you're me because 1) she cannot walk around in public without pants on which means 2) WE NEED NEW PANTS.

She did buy some of these really cool stretchy elasto-bands for her pants where one end of the stretchy thing buttons to one side of her pants and the other side to the other side (you get my drift I hope) such that the waist of her pants increases by about 5 inches. I gotta tell you, this is genius thinking, and to any of you entrepreneurs out there, listen up, take this idea to the man clothes stores and you'll make a mint. I never knew this type of thing existed! I mean...I could still be wearing my old 32" waist jeans from college! I'm pretty sure the men's pants industry is keeping this off the man-clothes market....because if this thing got out there...well, it'd be curtains for the man-pants industry. You'd never have to buy new pants again! Proof again that women are smarter than men.

So yes, the belly is growing (among other things)...and yes, we will get some pics up here for all to see. Just last night Kelli remarked, as she was making her little blanket/mattress belly-support cocoon while Baron James (our son's name if we have one) droned on about the stupid news, that God has done a pretty amazing thing because her body just knows what to do...it just turns into this baby-making machine and does its job. Of course, I replied, I have been in constant amazement of what a wonderful job God has done with my body...I mean, I'm a specimen (I won't tell you what kind of specimen she mentioned I might be). Oh that's a funny joke for Dave.

Speaking of The Belly, night before last K-Tel decided she'd lay down on the sticker-covered carpet and play with Charlie (Charlie thinks this is fun for approximately one minute and 25 seconds, after which he takes his toys and goes to do his own thing...he's a fun-hater). Well after Charlie bails, she decides it's time to get off the floor, but The Belly decides for her that it's not time to get off the floor, in fact, The Belly commanded her entire body to STAY PUT. Which it did...but Kelli didn't get the message and she kept trying to wiggle/grunt/roll over/waddle her way up off the floor then wham! her hips won't work and then her back kicks in....it was amazing! SHE WAS STUCK ON THE FLOOR. I immediately went into action mode (which means I began laughing at her) then, after a minute or three, I helped her up. The physics of the baby-making and its effects are amazing. I suspect this will be the end of laying on the floor for a while. Oh well, Charlie is generally disinterested anyway. He's such a bookworm.

So anywho....Kelli is doing pretty well....she's adjusting to her new body mass, and her ever-shifting centroid (I'm fairly certain that no one but you engineering geeks know what a centroid is, but I thought I'd throw it in there for fun....look it up if you're looking for some real fun facts!). She's being a great sport about the whole thing...and quite frankly, she has that baby glow about her. She's my little angel (except when she's yelling at me for smelling too soapy when I get into bed at night after a shower...I know...sometimes smells hurt too).

Well, better close for now. We should know the sex of baby B next Tuesday. Last night Kelli and I formed a strong don't-get-your-bladder-so-full-that-it-crams-Baby B-up-into-a-hole strategy so we can get a good shot of Baby B also known as Captain Awesome (if it's a boy) or Captain Awesome (if it's a girl) at the next sono.

Thanks for stopping by. Check back more often....the Boss told me I need to get my sh*t together on posting more often (or maybe that was Sara).

Adios moist nachos!

Post 9

2007-09-10T20:43:00.000-05:00

Hey mis amigos!

We're back and rolling on...but we're not at 100% full Wonder Twins Activate power yet.

INTERNET UPDATE:

Well, it's official....we have fired the space internet people and hired the great hegemony known as AT&T to provide us with all our internet entertainment! Yes, we have DSL, also known as earth-based internet services. This is amazing speed! We are literally blazing through the internet at circa-1994 speed! Oh well...it beats space internet. I hate space stuff, except for XM Radio.

MAIL BAG:

Looks like we've gotten a few hits on the ol' Complaints Department. Seems many of you are missing our updates. Well guys, all I can say is I'm sorry.

I am sorry we haven't (I haven't) been posting lately. We've been out of town, and when we came back, we've just been so so so so so so busy...and frankly, we've been wearing a pair of cranky pants lately. I don't know if it's the stress of the Deuce shortly being loose, my very busy job, the new house, or the fact that I've been sick the past week or so...but dude, we've been out of sorts lately.

We took a trip to Lake Austin with the Beans and some new friends. That was a lot of fun. Every year for the past 3 years we've had someone on the trip that was pregnant, and this year it was K-Dog. She looks so cute in her chubby-girl bikini. I can say that because she's not fat at all, but she wears the "curtain-over-the-belly" top for some reason. Oh well, a lot of people make fun of me for wearing a robe out on the lake but frankly, it's comfortable, and makes me feel like a king or something. It's hard to swim in but damn I look like royalty.

KELLI UPDATE:

How's Kelli doing? Well she's doing pretty well. Like I said, we've been sick out here on the dirt farm and she's been able to stay above it all the best she could. Today she was down for the count but she's better tonight. A lot of people have said that it might be the ragweed in the air, which may be the case for us since we are completely surrounded by large grasshoppers swinging on Tarzan ropes through a ragweed forest. Yes it is heavenly. I mean, with the stickers, the spiders, and the moles digging gi-normous bomb holes throughout the yard...what's not to love? Hey....it's free, and if it's free, it's for me!

SEX UPDATE:

Settle down there Chippy, not THAT kind of sex. That kind of stuff will get you into trouble. I'm talking about Baby Sex! Well that doesn't sound very good either. Lemme jest 'splain it this way....WE ARE HAVING A GIRL and A TBD!

We have a To Be Determined because SOMEBODY (Baby A) wasn't willing to show their private parts on camera...and to that we salute Baby A! Hooray Baby A! Great job Baby A....please keep up the good work. Keeping your private parts under wraps has its merits. So much for the name Britney for Baby A.

As for the girl.....well.....we are just ecstatic! I'm personally so excited about having a baby girl and I know Kelli is too. Baby girls are so cute and pretty and little. Ronald Reagan, after his wife Nancy gave birth to their daughter, said that he was so excited to have a girl because he got to watch his wife grow up all over again. Awwwwwww.......! (all together now).

So we are having a girl and a TBD....and you know what that means? It means it's Breast Pump Time!

Breast Pumps are weird. I know I'm not exactly going out on a limb here saying that, but it warrants a few comments. First, Kelli already has big boobs...in fact, that's why I married her (and I think that's why she married me). Not really (and not really)....but I'm not complaining. From what I can tell from gently perusing some of the 4,358 books and periodicals we now have in the Dirt Farm Baby Books and Magazines Library of Congress here in the living room, her boobs are supposed to get bigger, and then especially when her milk comes in. Yes...when "her milk comes in".

A few years ago, this phrase and reference to a very serious biological process would have illicited a certain level of blecchhh from yours truly, but not now. Now Kelli's body is a wildly weird and wonderous baby making machine...and somehow it knows that "We just had a couple of babies, so crank up the milk jugs" How does it know how to do that? Just one more way that women are smarter than men.

SIDEBAR: Men's bodies don't do anything like that (thankfully....that would be very very weird). Men have one purpose and that's to mate (and fold the clothes). Our bodies don't do anything that cool. I mean, only one thing that we have grows on its own, and its not exactly a miracle of biology that it happens (just trust me on this one). Maybe growing hair out of your ears and out of the side of your shoulders is God's little "parting gift" to men. I mean, women grow people inside their bodies and what do we get? Hairy earlobes? Thanks a bunch. It's like driving all day to go to Six Flags and ending up at mini-golf. What a ripoff. At least we can still pee standing up...and let me tell you...that is darn handy.

Back to Breast Pumps....

I own a breast pump. I'm not afraid to say it. I shopped for a breast pump too...with Kelli. It was a big day on the dirt farm when we shopped online for breast pumps. We read the reviews, asked some friends, and plunked down a cool $300 for a breast pump, along with some nipple pads and some milk bags (no I don't mean boobs when I say milk bags...but that sounds funny). I know a lot about breast pumps, and for me, anything more than nothing is alot. You have to accessorize the breast pump. You gots to pimp it, ya know. Pads and bags baby...that's how we roll. I wonder if Kelli will let me paint a giant Smokey-and-the-Bandit gold Firebird on the top of the pump. That pump is gonna hum when I get done with it.

Speaking of east bound and down..I gotta go. It's past my bedtime...

I promise we'll work on getting better here...maybe we peaked early.

Thanks for stopping by anywho.

Post 8

2007-08-25T07:53:00.000-05:00

Now introducing, the wonderful, the white, the ever-expanding....Kelli Belly!

Enjoy!

Post 7

2007-08-24T06:54:00.000-05:00

Hey there!

What's up?

TGIF my friends! This week has been pretty tough on the parents of the Deuce (that's Kelli and me for those who went to public school). We finally got the space-internet up and running (yes that's why we had to launch the Space Shuttle last week...and I'm pretty sure that "foam" that hit the exterior of the shuttle was a Koozie) and it's working at a snail's pace, which by the way is top speed at the dirt farm. Slow internet at our house is measured in geologic time....and fast is when a page actually loads, except for the pictures (that's hyper-speed if the pictures actually load with the rest of the webpage). So we're somewhere in between...not quite as slow as glacial ice in winter, but closer to the speed of grass growing...in winter. Yes we are living the high life my friends. How sweet it is.

Kelli is doing GREAT! She's really turned the corner. I think the pukes are over, which is good for her, but is seriously cutting into my fun time. I'm going to miss those stories. Seriously, she's really doing well. She's learned to manage her diet to minimize the sugar crashes (this brings on the puke party), and is actually exercising and working out (not really, I'm just saying this in case Dr. Garner is reading this).

Only two things are really changing on K-Tel, and that's the BELLY and the booblies. Everything else is staying the same size, which is fine really, but she's going to look like an avocado on a toothpick at this rate. (I bet this comment gets edited out by the boss.) Her belly is really starting to pooch out, which I think is very very cute. (and yes I PROMISE to post the photos of the belly tonight)...and the upstairs...I mean, I wasn't complaining before but this is just over-the-top.

The belly is so cute! I mean, how can you not think that a little baby belly poking out is cute? Well....I can tell you how you can think it's not cute.

You see, we went to Babies R Us last weekend, which freaked me out a lot, and there were a few chicks there with there big pointy bellies sticking out in the wind. I mean bare skin, big ol' outty-to-the-max belly button showing, just hanging out there with the bottom of the t-shirt hiked up around mid-belly. NICE! And these are respectable-looking people except for the belly shot. I mean, do I, Dad of the Deuce, want to walk around all day in a mesh t-shirt because it's darn refreshing and keeps me cool? Yes! Yes indeed! I'd like to walk around without a shirt on like I did when I was a kid in flip-flops on my yellow Schwinn Scrambler (fastest bike in Windmill Hills). But do I? No! HE** NO! There are unwritten societal rules (in my case they actually are written) that we don't break....and showing the belly (the entire belly) is very high on the list. This belly-showing is uncalled for, and frankly, is a serious breach of protocol in my book. I mean, I get it lady, you're pregnant, that's great for you, what a blessing, but dude, keep it to yourself. If we're at a swimming pool in Cabo, by all means, let it see daylight, but in Lewisville in Babies R Us....keep it under your outlet mall Banana Republic shirt, PLEASE!

Ok....that was good to get off my chest. Don't you all agree this is uncalled for? Hit the comment button below and let us know what you think. I know..if you're hot and stuff, then showing some belly is appropriate if you're going to a club in LA or filming your music video with Jay-Z, but not in the burbs, man. Give it a rest and keep it at the house.

Ok, back to Babies R Us... As all of you already with child know, a store like BRU is seductive to a certain extent. I mean, all the strollers, with all the pretty shiny different colors of plastic, all the furniture with all the bedding (which I didn't know about), and $300 breast pumps with different "adapters" are very "we-gotta-have-that" cute (the pumps and the accoutrements aren't that cute though...actually they are scary). As a man, the provider (and the bystander...and soon to be the "here hold this" guy), frankly the place terrified me. The feeling I got when we walked in their reminded of of what it feels like as a man when you and your GF have decided to "just think" about getting married and you both go into the jewelry store for the first time "just to look at some ring styles, honey". The minute you walk in, the hairs on the back of your neck stand up a bit, because you know, there are many people all around you who have decided to make it their life's work to GET YOU TO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY. You are the prey, and you are being hunted, and your partner-for-life is leading you to the deer feeder. "Oh look honey, it's a big metal thing out here in the middle of the woods and corn comes out of it, and it's yummy, oh my this is so delicious and then BLAM BLAM BLAM".....you're dead. I can see we will dropping some serious coin at BRU....strollers and blankies, and pack-n-plays and.....but what really scares me are the baby "boutiques" all over the place. Little innocuous shops in the mall or in strip shopping centers, selling $200 onesies (yes I learned what a "onesie" is also last weekend) and organic rubber pacifiers. These places are the scourge of the baby retailing world. Please say a prayer for me that K-Car doesn't get hooked on that stuff.

But I know, it's all for a good cause...it's for the children and I am a terrible person for thinking these things but I can tell you....all men think this, but only the dim-witted ones let anyone know they're thinking it.

Man this is a long post...sorry about that.

You know it seems like we've been pregnant for a long time, and I attribute this to the fact that, having gone through IVF. We knew when we were 2 weeks pregnant, versus "normal" people who find out 8 weeks into it or so. IVF is a blessing indeed. For instance, how many people do you know who have a picture of their kids when they only had 8 cells? You can add K and I to your list! This is the picture of the Deuce BEFORE they were put back into mom by the good doctor. No, this isn't biology class, this is real life. Isn't technology amazing?

That is wild wild stuff.

What can I say, we are blessed beyond what we deserve (well what I deserve really).

Ok folks, better wrap it up for now. I need to get back to my slow crawl towards world domination. Hope you all have a great Friday, and we'll catch you on flipside. I'll post THE BELLY shot tonight.

Don't be scared.

We love your comments so, in the words of 70's super-group Supertramp...."Give a Little Bit"....give us some feedback. K-Pax always asks what you all are saying.

Thanks for dropping by.

Post 6

2007-08-20T08:54:00.001-05:00

Hey there!

Wanted to get this up here quickly. It's blurrier than I hoped it would be but I suppose for free hosting, the video compression isn't bad (like I know what video compresison is).

Here is a portion of the video of the sono from last week. It starts off a little slow...the doc does some measuring (or "MAYsuring" if you are from Texas) in the beginning. Apparently the "butt to head" length is most important rather than the traditional head-to-feet method commonly used on already-born people. I think they skip the leg length because they are curved and weird-looking. I don't blame them although they look pretty cool when one of the deuce is jumping in the video. In the video he also measures skin fold thickness on the back of the neck, etc. Of course all of this is very esoteric and frankly, I think it's made up. I have a master's degree and I have no idea what they are looking at, but I suppose that last 2 years in medical school is where they learn to look at these things. Doctors are smart and stuff.

My Montage 8/20/07

We have decided to go ahead and take pictures of the belly DAILY and keep them on file, then paste them together as a film to show the deuce growing in their papoose. K-Dog is such a good sport isn't she? I will post them here and there as we go along. As you may be able to tell, there isn't much to do on the dirt farm.

Gotta run. Still no internet service at the dirt farm. I'm posting this from an elementary school library and I've just been spotted. Nosey librarians.

BTW, Kelli is doing really well. No major pukes to report. We had a minor belly incident on Friday. Charles and I were playing a rousing game of "Aggresively Try To Shove Charlie Off The Bed" the other night and SOMEONE (not to name names) jumped on Kelli's belly. (Thankfully it wasn't me or we'd be repainting the walls). As a general note, it is not good for a little dog to jump onto a pregnant belly, no matter how cute the little dog is...and YES, I GOT INTO B.A.T. (Big A$$ Trouble) by the Boss for this. Stupid Charlie, he's always trying to get me in trouble. As you know, I am not cute enough to be immune to "being in trouble" by mom. I had to go sit in time out. This was not in any of the pregnancy books, by the way.

Ok...enough for now. Hopefully we will get our space connection fixed tonight and tomorrow we can post at-will. Ah, what a day that will be.

Thanks for dropping by.

Post 5

2007-08-15T07:53:00.000-05:00

Hey there!

Sorry we've been away a while.

You see, out at the dirt farm, we aren't served by the "normal" internet providers like AT&T, Verizon, nor "Insert Cable Company Name of the Week Here". We have SATELLITE internet service. That's right, if you thought your DSL switch was too far away and your service was slow....try having your internet service coming from SPACE! Space is very far away from my computer at home...that being said....our internet service is absolutely the worst internet service on the planet bar none. I'd venture to say that it's the worst internet service in the Universe...yes, it SUCKS big time! Now I would never mention WildBlue Internet Services LLC outright as our provider (if you call something that works about once a week "providing") because they would probably be angry with me that I am telling my audience of 4 how terrible they are, but I must say....they truly truly are the worst internet provider ever!

Big Breath.....man that felt great! I still hate them though.

I'm not dissing the idea that space is a great place to receive media from. At the dirt farm, we receive all of our media from space. Yes, we are highly advanced dirt farmers.

We have DirectTV (or DirecTV...I don't know which way to spell it but I do advocate saving as many T's as possible) and we have XM Radio at home and in the Sweetness and in K-Dog's giganto Tahoe. Personally I love XM Radio with all my heart....it is one of the finest inventions of the 21st century (well we're only 7 years into it but still...it's greatness). So one would think....why not internet service from space too? Space has a lot of upside...I mean, we are surrounded by it so you would think that no matter where you are on the earth, you can look up and see space and thus be able to get all kinds of media. Well, it doesn't work that way....and we are ever so aware of the limitations of space-based internet service at the dirt farm...CUZ IT DON'T WORKY NO MORE.

That being said....we have been delayed in getting a post up because we have no mo' internet at home. And YES, we have been made aware that numerous individuals, and you know who you are, have missed us. Sorry for the gap in coverage folks....we will resume broadcasting immediately.

So...how's Kelli doing?

Well, she's doing great! We have some funny puke moments I'd like to share with you (man, she is a puking machine) but first, I gotta tell you about the HIGH-RES Sonogram we had last Friday.

Now I know from past experience that looking at sonogram pictures is not usually the highlight of your week. I've seen friends' sonogram pictures and I'm always wondering "Jeez that looks like an alien blob...how do you know what is the head and what is the butt...and how do they know that's a foot?...and why is the arm all curvy?...and AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO THINKS THESE THINGS AND AM I GOING TO HELL FOR THINKING THEM?" I mean, it's black and white and blurry and frankly, you need to have an eye for these things to understand what you are looking at. So, when I sat down to watch LIVE Kelli's sonogram, I was fully prepared to crank out a bunch of ooh's and ahh's and earnest looks of concern when really I had no idea what I was looking at. (Now that I think about it, I do this a lot anyway)...BUT...it was truly amazing.

Watching it "Live from New York" was so cool. I mean, you can see them both moving around and jumping and jumping....jeez they jumped a lot...and moving their arms...it was Boogie Fever time in K-Dog's belly. (well it was Friday and almost Miller Time...). It was amazing to say the least, especially considering that Kelli and I had seen those two little jumping beans when they had about 8 cells each. That was back in the old days. Now they had bones and hands and feets and lips and little eye holes...it totally freaked me out....and they were MOVING!

God is awesome. Whoever says that we all came from mud out of a swamp and that all this miracle of life just "happened" naturally has never seen what I saw Friday. What a miracle. Chokes me up thinking about it ( I know I'm a sap....sorry).

We have a video of the entire deal too, and as soon as I figure out how to convert the video to MPEG I will post it on the blog (maybe not in its gripping 10 minute entirety but maybe the Reader's Digest version). Awww technology. Great when it works.

So...like I said, Kelli is doing very well. The other day she had left the house early to go to work so she could run by the store to buy her friend at work a birthday cake (or cupcakes or something like that) (isn't she so nice!) so she SKIPPED BREAKFAST (gasp!) and headed out the door. Well onthe way to the office she got the cake and headed over to Whataburger (fine purveyors of natural healthy food for pregnant women and babies) and then headed to work. On the way from WB to work, the dreaded puke monster snuck up on her...and well, having nothing to puke in while driving, she had to puke in the WB bag full of yummy breakfast treats....NICE!!! Needless to say, she skipped WB and grabbed something else for breaky.

There have been other entertaining (for me) puke events but I will leave those for another post. Here's a cute one....in the middle of a contract negotiation meeting last week I looked down at my buzzing Blackberry and read the following message from Kellli (this is verbatim): "Well I wasz leaving work for lunch and threw up. Urgh! Good thing I had a place to pull over and was by myself. Then I nearly peed my pants from hurling so hard." Poor little devil....I was the only person laughing in my meeting..... That still makes me smile but makes me sad too....good grief she deserves a medal.

I will wrap up for now. Will promise to do better with posting more often.

Hope we made your day a little brighter. Say a prayer for Kelli and the Deuce. They need all the help we can give them.

Thanks for stopping by.

Post 4

2007-08-07T07:27:00.000-05:00

Hey there.

Thought I'd post a scan of our last sonos of the Deuce. (If you click on it you get a great high-res pic) We had these done a few weeks ago...thought you'd like to see them. They were done with the vaginal sonograph (aka Mr. Microphone). This Friday we get some really cool 3-d sonos and I will be sure to post them. Hope you have your special glasses so you can see them.

The top pic is of them both, and the others are individual shots of either Bo or Luke. I'm not sure which one is which yet but they say I will learn that eventually, about the time they are born and stuff. Bo and Luke...they're just good ol' boys, never meanin' no harm. I am telling you...for people who don't believe in God, I can say they must have never looked at a sonogram. The miracle of life is truly amazing. On these sonos, if you look really closely you can see them smiling. I had a hard time seeing the smiles, mainly because I'm not sure they even have lips. You can sort of see their arms forming...just long enough to be able to push a lawnmower. Things are coming along quite nicely I must say.

So How's Kelli doing? Pretty darn good. Yesterday we had a puke-free day, but terrible heartburn last night. We ate a bit late and I think that came back to bite her. She also has to sleep on her side which HAS to be annoying...the things she does for the Deuce. She is awesome.

All in all, Kelli is doing pretty well...we met at our homebuilder's office last night and obviously she had stopped by the local health-food market (QuickTrip) because she was choking down a big bag of Gardetto's and a 32 oz. sody pop ($0.49 all summer long at QT). The deuce probably think we live at a movie theater. This may explain the heartburn. Gotta keep her sugar up though, seriously...because once we dip down below "serious-nausea" level, it is hard to get her back up. I'm proud of her for keeping up with her meals...gotta feed the Deuce!

We have had numerous requests for some belly shots, and Kelli told me last night that her belly is starting to pooch out (of course I have not noticed and she still looks like a super-hot superfox megababe to me). If I can talk KK into taking some belly shots, we will get them up here on the Deuce blog. If she declines, I may post a few shots of mine. That's a bit terrifying now that I think about it.

Better close for now. Have a super day and we will chat at you later.

Post 3

2007-08-06T19:46:00.000-05:00

Hey there. Thanks for stopping by.

How's it going? Pretty good here. Had a great weekend. K-Karr and I went over to Derrel's house and built some cabinet doors for her kitchen. It was fun and Derrel was pumped about the doors. Kelli supervised, really, which is good because if anyone needs supervision, it's yours truly.

So...how's Kelli? She's doing well. Her stomach muscles are sore and today I learned our babies are the size of kiwis. That's a fruit in Australia I guess...

We made it through the first trimester, or 12 weeks. That's a big deal. We've been worried crazy about miscarriages, and other bad bad things, and supposedly the probability that those things occur dramatically decreases once you've made it past the first trimester. What can I say? God continues to bless us.

Well....it's Monday and we've both had a tough day. Better close for now. Hope you all have a great day and we'll chat back with you later.

Post 2

2007-08-03T21:12:00.000-05:00

Well so far, it looks like the blog is well received. I have changed the settings such that ANYONE can leave a comment now, versus only Google members (or whatever this special class of technosnobs is called...I don't know a lot of stuff like how to fix the settings on my blog page)

Of course, the quality of the blog is always a function of how well it is maintained. It's a bit presumptuous on our parts to assume you all want to know what we're up to, and I guess that's the problem I have with the whole blogging phenomenon. Like I really give a rat's ass what butterfly landed on your head today...I've got my own crap to deal with, right? But I suppose a lot of our friends want to know what we're up to, how the deuce are doing, blah blah blah, and this saves them the trouble of having to call us, and us the trouble of having to repeat the same story 35 times. It's efficient, you see....and arm's length, which is good for me, especially when I'm being a cranky pants, which is a lot.

So...as I write this, K-Fed is laying in bed (well it IS after 8pm, people!) being nauseous, after a rousing trip to Pei Wei, which SOMEONE just HAD TO HAVE FOR DINNER (the party to be left unnamed). I'm glad we can do the things she wants to do though. Of course, after getting in The Sweetness (that's what I call my car) and heading back to the dirt farm (our house), she immediately started feeling nauseous, only after lecturing me about my very loud gum chewing, which I must admit, is very loud as compared to the sound of small bits of pollen blowing around in the air or a feather gently falling to the ground. Gosh I am so obnoxious with this gum. It is so very loud.

How's Kelli? I hear this throughout my day, which is nice because the very nice people I work with are very concerned about her health and this is very very nice. I work with some really great people...no doubt. Well...let me tell you how Kelli is doing today.

Kelli is doing very well, but a bit nauseous. This nausea really only hits her at night, around 8pm, unless she brushes her tongue while she's brushing her teeth in the shower in the morning...if that happens, she goes into auto-puke mode which is really very hard to turn off. Also, if she takes her pregnancy vitamin (or "Horse Pill" as we call it) then she goes into nausea mode, but not auto-puke. Most people tell her, her doctor included, that if she eats something before she takes the Horse Pill then she won't become nauseous....and this works almost 0% of the time. What can I say? She is a puker.

She's also a bit sneezy lately. No idea why she's sneezy, but she is. Other than that, she's getting a "poochy belly" (my term), which, turns out, kinda looks like my "poochy belly" minus the disgusting forest of hair intertwined with t-shirt lint covering it.

Today she went to Sprouts, a new healthy organic grocery store close by where they have oats and granola and vegetables galore, and brought back a giant bag full of very healthy gummy bears, and a second very large bag of very healthy cinnamon gummy bears. She also brought home a large plastic container of healthy bagel chips, and some fruits and vegetables. As you can see, we pretty much cover the entire food pyramid at our house...fruits, vegetables, grains, and gummy bears.

Oh well...she LOVES those gummy bears. As long as they don't push the auto-puke button on the way down...she can eat all the GB's she wants.

Talk to you later. Thanks for stopping by.

PS, just thought I'd post a picture of Charles Brown (he insists that you call him "Charlie") for fun. He is the best dog at our dirt farm for sure!

First Post

2007-08-02T20:38:00.000-05:00

Hey there! Thanks for coming by. Just wanted to let you know what the plans are here for this blog.

Kelli and I have wrestled with figuring out how to let people in on our personal path to pregnancy nirvana. You see...we've been trying to have a baby for about two years now, and frankly, it's been a bit of pain in the butt. You probably aren't that interested in the bad stuff, but we plan to stock more good stuff than bad stuff here so it will work out in the end. Like I said...we're glad you're here.

THE DEAL

We started out just trying to have a baby...trying to get pregnant that is, and man, that was not bad work. I'm telling you....you could do worse. Unfortunately, just "doing it" without a net didn't get it done. So...of course, you go see the doctor and you get checked out and turns out, my team is doing ok, but the practice field is a bit of a mess.

So we get Kelli on Clomid and some other fun infertility drugs, and I mean fun as in, "Gee that's fun when Kelli is happy then tears my head off for chewing gum too loudly in the car"...yes, that kind of fun. The bright side is, we get to try a lot, AGAIN, at least a lot more than we normally would, but turns out it still doesn't work. A tough row to hoe indeed.

So we go back to the infertility doctor, and we start some different drugs and try IUI, or intrauterine insemination. Yes, sounds delightful doesn't it? I went from making love to my lovely wife to inseminating her....not exactly a word you'd hear in a Barry White song. That would be kinda funny though "Oh baby baby, I want to love you, rub you down, and inseminate you all night long..." I'm sure he may have at least tried using that word. Too hard to rhyme something with inseminate though I'm sure.

Well IUI doesn't work either...and we decide to go directly to IVF, or in vitro fertilization. Test tube babies...indeed. Wild wild science stuff. I don't know if you know how this works, but if you don't, it's your lucky day, because I'm going to explain it to you.

IVF was invented in the late 70's, and is still being perfected today. The idea is this....first, stop the woman's menstrual cycle with birth control pills. Then, once that happens, the woman takes a drug that stimulates her ovaries to produce a very large amount of eggs. After weeks of monitoring the number of eggs in each ovary, and measuring the size of the follicles on the ovary (the follicles on the ovaries contain the little bitty eggs), a different drug is given to the woman that causes her follicles to collapse, pushing the eggs out into the uterus. The exact moment this occurs, the fertility doctor retrieves the eggs during a surgical procedure and puts each one in a petri dish. At that time, the embryologist takes a sperm, and physically injects the spermy guy into the egg, which, at that time, the egg is fertilized.

The doctors monitor the fertilized eggs over 3 or 5 days, after which a certain number of fertilized eggs are inserted back into the woman's uterus. Now the woman is given very high doses of estrogen to start the baby cooking process. (Yes, this estrogen is fun too). Fast forward two weeks (which feels like an eternity and over which approximately 10,000 prayers are said and serious promises are made to the Big Man) and you find out if it worked. Yes, a regular old pregnancy test is taken.

Well...now you are practically a doctor so pat yourself on the back and join a country club....

For K-Dog and me, the first IVF try didn't work, which was personally crushing for both of us and frankly sucked very very much. However....

The second time, voila!, it worked. Thank God...literally. We were blessed....twice!

We are having twins! And no...we don't know if they are boys or girls or both, yet. That will be in a few more weeks. For now I call them the deuce...as in Little Loose Deuce. We've had some fun with that as in "The Duece is Loose" or "The Deuce Grows Kelli's Caboose" or Kelli is now "The Duece Papoose" or "The Deuce Moose". I haven't run that last one by her but I'm pretty sure she's not going to like it. It's funny for me though.

At this writing, we have been pregnant about 11 weeks....I know....we started the blog late but really, not much has been happening up to this point. We've had a lot of nausea, some throw-ups (by both of us), headaches, sugar crashes, general crankiness, and lots of late-night pee-trips....and that's just me. Really, Kelli has been a trooper.

From here on out, we both will be posting updates to this blog so prepare for some seriously fun stuff...or maybe just a fun little stroll down our weird little life path.

Again, thanks for stopping by.